the world: through the eyes of ME

I Cried Out For Help

2012-01-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

I did something yesterday that I rarely do.

I cried out for help.

I hate asking for help. With anything. It makes me feel like I am failing and not handling everything that I committed myself to. I'm strong. I'm able. I shouldn't need anything from anyone else, right?

Wrong.

Yesterday was the peak of several horrible days with Avery. We know her moods cluster and come in waves...but it doesn't make riding them out any easier. I want my happy, silly girl all the time. I don't want to deal with, nor do I know how to deal with, the angry, violent, out of control child that I have most of the time.

I don't know everything, but I know a lot about certain subjects. I may not know a lot about cars or computers or geography, but if you have questions about parenting methods or anything medically related...I'm your girl. So, when I feel like everything I know is being tested, it's difficult. I don't want to admit that I'm lost. That I don't know what to do. That what I'm doing isn't working.

I finally had to wave the white flag yesterday and call Avery's therapist. Leaving a crying voicemail for her was definitely not my most shining moment, but it got the point across. She called me back and fit Josh and I in this morning, without Avery. Just knowing she could hear my tension and frustration...and she cared...got me through the rest of the day.

Talking to her today made me feel so much better. Knowing that she deals with children like Avery all the time, makes me feel like it's not my fault. I'm not failing. It's not something I've done. It's not something I'm doing wrong. It's Avery. I can't control this any more than I could control it if she had cancer. Could this be because of her being a preemie and then surviving a traumatic illness at six weeks old? Perhaps. But again...not. my. fault. I've got to let how I'm feeling go, so that I can focus on what to do for her.

I told her how much it hurts me to see how this is affecting my other children. I hate knowing they are afraid of their sister...and they have every right to be. I hate knowing that they must, at times, feel pushed aside, because I have to deal with Avery. Sadly, that doesn't seem like it's going to change any time soon. Right now I have to deal with Avery. I have to focus on Avery. I have to help her cope and learn how to deal with the anger inside of her. I have to teach her how to relax and verbalize her emotions, rather than lash out.

No, I'm not failing...but, I have to be better. I don't know how to find more time in my busy days. But I have to. I don't know how to find even more patience. But I have to. I don't know how to reason with someone that is angry and unreasonable. But I have to.

What I don't have to do, is do it alone.

Happy Birthday, Mom

2012-01-26T06:38:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Mom.

If you were here, we would be celebrating with lunch and a girl's day out. Bay would be begging to come along, insisting that she was old enough to hang out with the adults. :) Instead, we will be letting balloons go at your grave, like we did last year to commemorate the day you left us. The kids like knowing that they can send you mail in Heaven. :)

May 2011

I miss you, Mom. I say that a lot. I love you. I say that a lot, too. There's so much more I want to say, that I can't. Like...I'm sorry. And I hope you're proud of me. And I hope you have seen how hard Josh is working to graduate from college and to support our family. And the kids need you. Bailey talks. A lot. And she needs you to listen. Ryleigh still cries. A lot. Because she misses you. Avery needs you. A lot. Because you understood her more than anyone else. Lukey doesn't remember much. At all. And that breaks my heart. Peanut knows your pictures. You are a photo on the wall...not a person who loved to laugh and tell jokes and bake cookies and tease and give hugs and read stories. And that makes me cry.

But, I rarely let them see me do that. Because I want them to associate you with happiness, not tears. :)

Happy Birthday, Mom. Once again...we love and miss you. Every. Single. Day.

Me Thinks...We're Nuts

2012-01-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

I have to work today. We both have homework. I have CPR class today. The kids are on half day and will be home most of the day. The kids have piano today.

I think...

...we should rip up our carpet and install wood floors.

Yeah. Cause nothing says "sane", like adding to the every day insanity.

(Hey, when you find wood floors for .68 sq ft and you realize that you can learn to love them for that price, in order to get rid of carpet that contributes to your daughter's asthma...you act on it!!)

I Was Here

2012-01-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

Something...my classes, my life, memories...something...has been causing me to reflect on my life a lot lately. What I've done. Choices I've made. Who I was. Who I've become. Who I'm becoming.

(I know, I know...my last three posts have been about dying, death, preparing, ect. No, I'm not dying. Just...reflective.)

I want to know I've made a difference in this world. I want to know that I have made someone's life better and that I have in some way...changed the world. Or someone's world. I know that I'm not the only one...isn't that everyone's goal? What else would be the point of life, other than to leave this world better than when you got here?

Perhaps that is the meaning of life. It isn't about lessons that we are meant to learn. It isn't to endure trials to make us stronger. Perhaps the meaning of life is to strive to contribute to society, leaving others better off than before they knew you. I pray that I've done that and that I have opportunity to do it many times over, before I leave this earth.

I want to know that I made someone smile, because someone has made me smile. I want to know that I made someone laugh, because someone has made me laugh. I want to know that I made someone think, because someone has made me think. I want to know that I made someone change, because someone has changed me. I want to have saved someone...because someone has saved me. I want to give of my knowledge, my talents, my love, my faith, my forgiveness and my understanding, because at one time, or another, someone has given all of those to me. I want to know that I have given back more than I have taken and loved as much as I have been loved.

"I was here. I lived. I loved. I was here.

I did, I've done, everything that I wanted

and it was more than I thought it would be.

I will leave my mark, so everyone will know, I was here.

I just want them to know that I gave my all,

did my best, brought someone some happiness.

Left this world a little better, just because...I was here."

So When Your Heart Stops Beating…?

2012-01-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

"Let it stop."

I completed my CNA course yesterday. (YAY!) I can now contact the state about taking their tests and then...*drumroll*... mail off that nursing school application that I've been talking about for years.

One of the things we did on our final day of class, was watch an HBO movie called, "Wit". It originally aired in 2001 and stars Emma Thompson. She is an English scholar, who becomes a victim of metastatic stage IV ovarian cancer. The movie documents her journey through a rigorous chemotherapy treatment, emotionless doctors and a nurse that truly cares for her patients.

It was incredibly hard to watch this and remember Mom's treatments and realize, once again, how much pain and fear Mom must have hid from all of us. She was such a strong woman and I become more aware of it now, as I reflect back on that time.

This particular scene in the movie, touched me. Prof Bearing makes the decision to sign a DNR, choosing not to be resuscitated, should her heart stop beating. This scene cuts it off, but the movie goes on to show the nurse leave and Prof Bearing curls in a ball, hiding under her blankets, in fright. I can't imagine what it would be like to make this decision, personally. I can't imagine what it would be like to decide and accept that death is coming...and being kept alive in my current state is no life at all.

Additionally, this reminded me again that while Josh and I have done many things right in the event of our deaths, we still have a few things to finalize. I wonder how many people my age, with children have actually done this. I know that it's an important thing to think about, however hard it may be. I know they will be taken care of financially...but I want the peace of mind in knowing that should my heart stop beating...they will be loved as much as I love them now.

I Was Reminded

2012-01-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

I've put in roughly 80 hours in the last week between class time, clinicals and commuting; it's been exhausting! If it weren't for my good friend Michelle, I would have lost my mind, at times. Having her there, by my side through it all, made it bearable. I knew most everything that was brought up in class, however I was reminded of so many things.

I was reminded how germy our hands are and that we should be washing them. About every other second. Goodness are our hands filthy! (And did you know that it's cleaner to lick an armpit than french kiss someone???)

I was reminded that the medical field was MADE for me and it really is my passion. I absorb anything medically related the way a sponge absorbs moisture. I love love love it!!

I was also reminded to be thankful. Thankful every single day that I can walk. That I can talk. That I can feed myself. Dress myself.

I was reminded to be thankful that I can handle such private matters as going to the bathroom and showering, alone...minus my children's fingers wagging under the door.

I was reminded to be thankful that I can swallow and breathe...without thought, effort or pain.

I was almost pooped on. I was almost hit. I was spit on...twice. I got soaked during showers. I got my toes ran over by wheelchairs. I got thanked profusely by people thankful that I was taking time out of my day to help them. I got to help people eat, who couldn't feed themselves. I got to help dress people who couldn't do it otherwise. I got to listen to people who just wanted someone to hear them. I got to see pictures of my residents with their loved ones, from days long passed. Their wedding days...the days their babies were born...the days their grandchildren were born...the day their great-grandchildren came to visit. I got to see how other resident's lives changed in an instant because of accidents. They were living my life; married with children and a future...only to have it taken away.

In a matter of hours, I fell in love with a couple of my residents. The man who almost hit me and spit on me? I understood his anger and I took him under my wing the rest of the day. He rewarded me with a semi-smile and by looking into my eyes...the only way he could communicate. The resident that wouldn't eat? She just wanted me to sit and talk with her...which distracted her enough so I could feed her a big bowl of cream of wheat.

Overall, I was reminded that life is short. Life is precious. We will all be older one day and we shouldn't take one single day for granted. We are all a text message away from a head on, that could take away our ability to walk, talk, or even function like the adults we are now.

My friends, live your life. Live it today. Live it for you. Live to make yourself happy and live to make life better for those around you. One day...one day, far too soon...life as you know it will cease to exist. Don't give yourself the chance to look back on your life and have it be filled with regret.

Where Have I Gone?

2012-01-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm here!! :) I'm in CNA class all week and have hardly had time to breathe! It is a one hour commute each way and I'm in class for ten hours. It is making for looong days!

Christmas was amazing and I can't wait to upload my pictures and share some of the fun things we did. Soon. Soon.

So, where am I? I'm learning how to brush teeth, comb hair and change briefs. Yeah, I'm learning how to be a Mom. ;)

I'll be back!

I Knew She'd Change The World

2011-12-23T22:47:00.031-07:00

"Children like Avery change the world. They grow up to be passionate, opinionated adults. The hard part is getting them there."

"She doesn't have temper tantrums. She has emotional storms. You'll find that they will cluster and you'll have days where they are back to back. It's not her, it is how a brain works and the synapses fire."

"I bet you try to be logical and calm with her?"... "That doesn't work with Avery. She has big emotions and wants you to have big emotions too."

"She has rigid thinking. Black and white. There is no gray area with her. It's very much how a scientist thinks. She knows how she wants things to go and when things don't follow a certain plan, she doesn't know how to handle it, or voice her frustration properly."

"Everything you do to parent your other children is not going to work with Avery. You will have to learn a whole new set of skills to deal with her."

"Of course she is going to be wonderful at school and then come home and lash out and misbehave. You don't go out into the world and show your bad moods to the neighbors or the mailman or the grocery store clerk, either. You save up your stress and release it where you feel safe."

Everything the psychologist said...made perfect sense. She made me feel like I'm not a failure. I may not have the skills or knowledge yet, to cope with her, but I'm not a failure. Perhaps I would be failing her if I chose to ignore this and sweep it under the rug...but, I'm not. I'm facing it head on and even though it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, I'm doing it.

Our plan from this point forward is to do therapy every few weeks, at The Children's Center. They will be working with Avery and trying to help her find ways to communicate with us better and find ways to deal with "gray" areas. They will be working with Josh and I on ways to cope with her emotional storms and what we can do to help with her frustration and aggression. We may have times of family therapy, since Avery's differences do affect our other children. This will all be tried for about six months before we discuss any medication options. I would like to use those as a last resort. I'm certain that if our reactions to Avery can be better, then things will improve.

It's going to be a long, bumpy road. One that I am willing to take, for my beautiful girl.

When Did She Grow Up?

2011-12-18T19:33:00.001-07:00

After another hard day with Avery, I found myself being comforted...by my ten year old.

Me: "I'm sorry, Bay, Mom is just really upset today."
Bay: "It's okay, Mom. I know she's hard."
Me: "Yeah, she can be. It makes me feel like a bad Mom."
Bay: "You're not a bad Mom! You're the best Mom!"
Me: "Thanks, Bay. Even adults can feel like a failure, sometimes."
Bay: "Mom, parents aren't supposed to be perfect all the time."

...and in that second, I realized that the tiny, 6 lb baby that I brought home and placed in her ladybug decorated nursery...has really begun to grow up.

It's My Only Choice

2011-12-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

Monday morning is the day we have been waiting for, for three months. We are finally meeting with a child psychologist for Avery.

Monday can't come fast enough.

While she is having more better days than not, the days that are bad...are bad. She is unable to control her emotions, especially when she is upset or frustrated. They will overtake her for hours...(four, straight hours today)...and she lashes out. She will hurt anyone or anything in her path and doesn't care. She becomes so wrapped up and focused on one thing, that she becomes stuck on a merry-go-round that won't stop.

For instance, today, Luke (who is younger) and Avery were fighting over computer time. Finally, I told them that the computer was going up for the night and no one was playing it, since they couldn't get along. After the usually whining that one would expect from a child who was reprimanded, Luke walked away and let it go. His response lasted a mere five minutes. However, Avery became so fixated on what she wanted and became so frustrated, that four hours of hell ensued for me. She kicked the walls. She screamed. She threw things. She slammed her door. She chanted, "Can I play the computer?" for about 75 straight minutes, of that four hours.

I don't know many adults who wouldn't have completely lost it, in this situation...and I'm not one of those adults, either. I ended up in a ball, frustrated, crying...feeling very alone and like a complete failure.

WHY can't I get through to my child? This is not a normal temper tantrum. No child (at least none I've ever come in contact with) would grasp on to an idea for over four hours and not let it go. WHY don't I have the ability to calm her down and make her understand, like I'm able to do with any of my other children?

I know what we've already been told. I know she has some frontal lobe immaturity. I know she has sensory issues. I know she has a mood disorder. I know all this. What I don't know is how to help her. How to cope. How to keep my other children from being afraid of her. How to be strong enough to not break down, like I did today. I don't know any of this.

I'm praying that someone can help us.

Because I can only be strong, for so long.

Panic At The Finish Line

2011-12-15T08:50:00.001-07:00

Imagine training for a marathon...

Putting in years of training and work (I know it doesn't take years to train for a marathon...but pretend you are a slow achiever...) ;) only to get closer and closer to the day of the marathon and become overwhelmed with anxiety. Can you really do it? (Well, yes, you've put in the work and done what you should.) Should you really do it? (Why wouldn't you? It' something you've always wanted!) Will you really do it? (Well...will you?)

That's how I've felt lately, as the date for the nursing school applications draws closer. I still have my CNA to complete and that will take a bit of time. As the due date draws closer and closer, I'm finding that I'm running out of precious time.

I'm having a lot of self doubt and worries, that is making me hold back. Even though I have put in the work these past few years and taken all my pre-requisites, with pretty decent grades, I still have so much doubt that I will get in. I have so much doubt that I can handle the workload along with my other responsibilities.

The school I'm applying to only accepts 20 students for their program. 20. What makes me so special?

If I even do get in, how am I going to deal with cutting my hours (and my income) by half, for a couple years?

How will I handle a busy school load and five kids in school? (Which sounds like extra time...and is...but it also means more homework for them, more school projects, more school programs, more volunteer time, ect.)

What will we do with the kids, if my nursing school responsibilities overlaps Josh's work schedule?

How. Is. This. All. Going. To. Work. Out???

I finally came to peace with it yesterday. I am taking my CNA class the first week of January. That will give me two months to complete the class, complete the clinicals, complete the testing, take the state testing and hand in my application. Not a lot of time...(and it will have to be done concurrently with working full time and my other classes for my Bachelors)...but I'm working with what I have.

Then...

I'm letting it all go. It's not in my hands anymore. I can't control who a panel of people at the University deem worthy enough to accept. But, I can't let the stress and worry consume me anymore. If I don't apply, then the decision is made. If I do, then the decision is taken from me. If I get in...or if I don't...it's out of my hands. I can't let the fear of striking out, keep me from playing the game. I can't let the worries of how we will handle it all logistically, keep me from pushing forward. It will all work out. It always has.

Que sera, sera.

Whatever will be, will be.

November Pictures

2011-12-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

I apparently went crazy with pictures in November...because I'm still catching up with posting them all! I mean...it's understandable...with Josh's birthday, Peanut's birthday and Thanksgiving...there is a lot to document! :)

We had Peanut's birthday party with all the family after her birthday because of Josh's work schedule, but we still wanted to celebrate her special day with us. She requested a strawberry cake and that's what she got!

This was the first year that I ever cooked all of Thanksgiving dinner, all by myself. I woke up that morning with a RAGING sore throat...and no where was open. So, the fact that I totally made sugar-free pumpkin pies by mistake is going to be blamed on the fact that I had a major case of strep going on and felt like I'd been hit by a semi. ;) But, other than that minor fluke, we had an awesome dinner of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sparkling apple cider, egg nog, shrimp, Mom's turkey cookies...and sugar-free pumpkin pie with homemade whip cream. ;)

I'm so thankful for everyone that came out to celebrate Peanut's third birthday! She again requested strawberry cupcakes and strawberry ice-cream! She received lots of girly presents, which she absolutely adored! What a beautiful little miracle she is!

I'm Taking The Time To Say...

2011-12-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...

I get caught up in my life.

There is always something to be done. Laundry. Cleaning. Shopping. Homework. Paying Bills. Mowing the lawn. Dishes. Work. Putting up decorations. Taking down decorations. Planning a birthday party. Repairing something that is broken. Kissing an owie. Doctor appointments. Dentist appointments. Someone is sick. Kid's homework. Shoveling the driveway. Overtime.

Sometimes...

I forget.

So, today, I'm taking the time...

...to say "thank-you".

Thank you, Josh, for everything you do. I'm not unaware that I married an amazing man. An amazing man who never hesitates to roll up his sleeves and do dishes. An amazing man who, honestly, does more laundry than I do. An amazing man who never complains about getting up with kids during the night...and never has. An amazing man who supports me with everything I do, even if it makes our family life more stressful. An amazing man who is in no way the "stereo-typical" husband or father.

Sometimes...

I forget to acknowledge all that you do and I never want you to think that I take you for granted.

Because, I don't. Not ever.

Hey...I love you. ;)

No-Shave November Fun

2011-12-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am married to a hairy man... *giggle*

After a month of not shaving...(thank you, dumb man who started "No-Shave November"...whoever you are...)...we decided to have some fun, taking the beard off! :)

He's such a babyface with no hair! If it weren't for his sleepy eyes from a night shift, he would look like a 14 year old... <3

How To Kill A Snowman...

2011-12-03T17:33:00.001-07:00

...in four easy steps!

1. Find a snowman that is already down on his luck and climb him...

...in your socks...

...even though your Mom told you to put boots on...

2. While beating up snowman, he gets the better of you and you fall off.

But, you don't give up!

3. Climb the snowman again...only to have him make you slide off again.

How's your cold feet?

4. Climb the snowman one more time...

...and show him who is BOSS!

Then take a victory leap off...

...and run inside...

...complaining that your feet are cold.

P.S. Your Mom will say, "I told you so!"

Creative Endeavors

2011-12-01T21:59:00.001-07:00

A few weekend ago the kids were getting a bit restless and needed to do something a little different than our usual Saturday routine. A few of them had really been wanting Josh to make birdhouses with them and I had already purchased some flowers with the intent to make some cute fall clip in flowers for the girls' hair.

So...Josh broke out the wood, nail gun, saws and paint, while I broke out the hot glue gun, ribbon and flowers. The kids bounced back and forth between the crafts and we ended up with this:

That's a lot of flowers!

I'm not sure what kinds of birds will use them...but they'd be the stylish birds on the block! ;)

I love spontaneous, fun afternoons like this! The kids had a blast and so did we! :)

Thirty Days Of Thanks

2011-11-30T07:22:00.000-07:00

Nov. 1st - I'm thankful for my husband's patience.
Nov. 2nd - I'm thankful for old friends.
Nov. 3rd - I'm thankful for the opportunity to work from home, so that I never miss the important things. Because they are all important things.
Nov. 4th - I'm thankful for chocolate cupcakes and the smile they bring to my family's face.
Nov. 5th - I'm thankful for completed tasks and the feeling of accomplishment.
Nov. 6th - I'm thankful for people that make me feel included and loved.
Nov. 7th - I'm thankful for a husband that drove the kids to school today, after a night shift, because he knows I'm afraid to drive in the snow.
Nov. 8th - I'm thankful for the faith to believe that families will be reunited in Heaven and no one that is "gone" is truly gone forever.
Nov. 9th - I'm thankful for the days that the children get along with one another and are helpful.
Nov. 10th - I'm thankful for yummy food and Mom's handwritten recipe book.
Nov. 11th - I'm thankful for the men and women that are willing to sacrifice everything, so that I can live freely.
Nov. 12th - I'm thankful for friends that treat me like family.
Nov. 13th - I'm thankful for my hearing and the ability to listen to my children play the piano.
Nov. 14th - I'm thankful for my strong, healthy body and the motivation to exercise.
Nov. 15th - I'm thankful for a husband that listens.
Nov. 16th - I'm thankful that I wasn't the Mom with the broke down mini-van in the carpool lane at the kids' school today. I'm also thankful that another Mom had the knowledge and kind heart to pull over and help her.
Nov. 17th - I'm thankful for migraine medication and a husband that takes over all my duties without a complaint.
Nov. 18th - I'm thankful for an understanding boss for when the migraine medications make me so loopy that not only did I not work, but I sent her random, crazy text messages.
Nov. 19th - I'm thankful for the chance to help good friends and to feel useful.
Nov. 20th - I'm thankful for lazy Sundays and cooking breakfast with my kids.
Nov. 21st - I'm thankful for modern medicine and the miracle that Peanut brought to my life, three years ago, today.
Nov. 22nd - I'm thankful that Elmer's glue isn't super glue.
Nov. 23rd - I'm thankful for the warmth of a hug.
Nov. 24th - I'm thankful for the chance to sit around the table and hear what my family is thankful for.
Nov. 25th - I'm thankful for antibiotics and a hot lemon and honey drink...because that's all I can swallow.
Nov. 26th - I'm thankful for laughter and it's ability to make me feel better.
Nov. 27th - I'm thankful for a clean, tidy home and helpful children with good attitudes.
Nov. 28th - I'm thankful for a boss that knows when I'm having a bad day, so she makes my life easier.
Nov. 29th - I'm thankful for the mornings that the kids wake up in good moods!
Nov. 30th - I'm thankful for the situations in my life that have made me strong and the love in my life that makes me weak. I'm thankful for a life full of hard work and circumstances that remind me to slow down. I'm thankful for the times that have made me tough and the people that let me be fragile. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned and for the lessons I've taught. I'm thankful for my faith in humanity and for those who have faith in me. <3

Music To My Ears

2011-11-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

Their instructor, Liz, is amazingly wonderful with them.
If you are in this area and looking for a teacher, she is the one to call!

The girls have been taking piano for almost a year now and a couple weeks ago they had their first recital! I'm so proud of them for the practice they put in and how well they did! My house is constantly filled with music, whether they are practicing their new lessons or they are making up their own songs.

Bay has a real knack for hearing something and then picking out the tune on the piano. It amazes me! Ry doesn't hate piano, but I think she is merely tolerating it, to make me happy. She does really well, but that is just Ry. Throw anything at that kid and she will master it. Avery, shockingly, really loves it! She uses music to soothe herself sometimes, so I really like that she will know she is getting frustrated and will go to the piano or guitar.

I really like them having an activity outside of school and family time. It's important to me, that they have an outlet and are learning something, as well. Plus, I enjoy hearing them practice and seeing them master new songs!

Short and To the Point

2011-11-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

Presley wakes up every, single day, with a smile on her face.

We should all strive to adopt the attitude of being happy...just because we're alive. :)

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-23T16:55:00.001-07:00

I have so many, many things to be thankful for, this year. While life gets overwhelming at times and I have moments where I forget how blessed I am, I'm thankful that we have this time of year, to bring these blessings to mind.

~ I'm thankful for my husband and the patience and love in which he handles our home. ~ I'm thankful for my beautiful Bailey, who trusts me enough to ask me questions when she doesn't understand something. ~ I'm thankful for Ryleigh, who is mature beyond her years, but still loves to cuddle with me. ~ I'm thankful for Avery, who teaches me patience every day and for her bright smile. ~ I'm thankful for Luke, who always makes me laugh and impresses me with his inventions. ~ I'm thankful for Presley, who's tender demeanor and tiny voice always melts my heart. ~ I'm thankful for our safe and loving home. ~ I'm thankful for friends who love me, despite my faults. ~ I'm thankful for the many roles our families play in our lives. ~ I'm thankful for the memories I have, of loved ones who have passed on. ~ I'm thankful for my job, that allows me to work it around my life and not vice versa. ~ I'm thankful for the determination and support to have achieved my first college degree this year. ~ I'm thankful for my faith. ~ I'm thankful for my healthy body. It may not be as pretty or as tiny as it used to be, but it is serving me well. ~ I'm thankful for the self-confidence to stand up for myself and walk away from bad situations. ~ I'm thankful for my senses. They allow me to see my children grow up, hear their laughter, feel their hugs, smell the flowers they give me and taste the brownies they surprise me with. ~ I'm thankful that I still have my grandparents in my life, even if it is from across the country. ~ I'm thankful for my blog and the memories it holds. ~ I'm thankful that I live in a free country, where I am able to pursue my life, liberty and happiness. ~ I'm thankful for today. Tomorrow isn't promised...so if tomorrow doesn't come, know that I'm thankful I had today. ~

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Peanut

2011-11-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know where the last three years has gone. I don't know when my baby, that was only four and a half pounds when I brought her home, became this active, talkative, smart, beautiful, charismatic toddler. So much has changed in her world in the last three years and she continues to amaze me, every single day.

This little girl, who we were told would be delayed for a few years, is anything but. She quickly overcame her early birth and has continued to advance in every way possible. She has been one of our most healthy kids, though I'm sure being quarantined to the house for the first six months of her life helped with that. She is a dare-devil and loves to be active with her siblings and keep up with them. She knows her ABC's, can count to eleventeen (which comes after eighteen...) :) and will sing you any song you request of her. She has been fully potty-trained for over a year. She loves to dance and has a million tutus, leotards and cupcake dresses. (Any dress that flares out when she spins, she calls a "cupcake dress".

She loves Dora the Explorer and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She loves anything girly and is in absolute Heaven when her sisters paint her fingernails, do her hair or play any pretend games with her. She loves to color (sometimes on walls...) and write her name (the letter "P"). If you ask her what her name is, she will tell you, very adamantly that it is, "Peanut!"; don't try to convince her otherwise! She is very polite and always shares with her siblings.

Dear Peanut,
I love you, more than I can express. You were the perfect addition to our family and the most wonderful conclusion to a rough couple of years. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember the miracle that you were and continue to be. I hope this next year is your most amazing yet! I know how excited you are to start preschool and I can't wait to watch you learn and make new friends. Happy, happy, happy birthday, my beautiful girl. Your Daddy and I are so blessed to have you in our lives.
Love, Mommy

Success

2011-11-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

Three Little Words = Big Achievement

2011-11-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

My six year old has hit a milestone that most two year olds have already achieved. It's not a milestone that most parents stress over...in fact I didn't stress over it, either. We've dealt with so much with this child, that it was low on my priority list. While it's not something typically worried about, it is a milestone that parents rejoice over.

For the first time ever in her life, my daughter is saying, "I love you" to us...without us saying it first. In fact, it's usually paired with a huge bear hug...something else that she has never really willing gave in the past. She would allow you to hug her, but rarely did she reciprocate it.

I'm not under the illusion that things are 100% better with her. She is still prone to unexplained bouts of anger. She still says mean things, that make us cringe. She is still incredibly headstrong and can be difficult to motivate to carry out her tasks. She still has "temper tantrums" that make me want to cry in frustration.

But...

...she loves me.

I would do anything in the world, for that bright-eyed, freckled-face little girl. Especially when she has her arms wrapped around me, in a tight embrace, telling me that I'm doing something right.

Study Through Osmosis

2011-11-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

I went to bed a few nights ago and found Bay, passed out cold, on top of a study guide she thought she would make for her Renaissance test. What a silly girl!

She had finished her homework hours before and I thought she was just in her room, winding down and reading. When I went to tuck her in, I found her snoring away, instead!

I'm happy to report that she did really well on that test, though! ;)

Self Reliance #4

2011-11-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”

Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?

I really don't like you. I don't like your choices or your attitude. Thinking about you, drains me. It takes away from my happiness and makes me feel nauseated. I don't understand you or your way of thinking. I expend far too much energy worrying about you and what you think. I need to stop.

I Am Humbled

2011-11-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

There is nothing so humbling as watching an 11 year old little girl...a little girl you have known since she was seconds old...hug her grandfather for the last time. I love this little girl. She is named after me, my oldest is named after her and she is in so many of my children's memories and pictures, it's like she is one of my own.

The world lost a great man today. My love, prayers and thoughts go out to his entire family, as they begin to find peace and comfort in his absence. He is no longer in pain and suffering and I know that his family understands this, through their loss. My children will miss their "Grandpa Dennis" and will hold dear all of the memories they have of him.

Muir Family

On our way home from saying good-bye, I listened to the children talk.

Bay: "He is in a better place now, Livi."
Livi: "I know. He'll be so happy to see his mom and dad and little brother. And he'll be with my other grandpas."
Bay: "You'll see him again, too."
Livi: "That will make me happy!"

Their understanding and acceptance, at their young ages, made me tear up.
They have the right attitude...it's not "good-bye", it's "see you later."

See you later, Grandpa Dennis. Watch over your family and comfort them in the coming days. <3

Self Reliance #3

2011-11-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

Do your work, and I shall know you.

Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Take a moment, step back from your concerns, and focus on one thing: You have one life to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted. Sounds simple, but when you really focus on it, let it seep into your consciousness, you realize you only have about 100 years to do every single thing you’ve ever wanted to do. No second chances. This is your only shot. Suddenly, this means you should have started yesterday. No more waiting for permission or resources to start. Today is the day you make the rest of your life happen. Write down one thing you’ve always wanted to do and how you will achieve that goal. Don’t be afraid to be very specific in how you’ll achieve it: once you start achieving, your goals will get bigger and your capability to meet them will grow.

What a daunting thought; "...you only have about 100 years to do every single thing you've ever wanted to do." I have so many dreams and hopes for my life; how much time do I waste not accomplishing these, every single day?

There are some things I've accomplished already, like skydiving and getting my first college degree. There are some dreams that will never be realized, like my desire to be a surrogate mother. There are some goals that I've yet to fulfill, like running a half marathon.

Why?

Because I'm scared that I will try and fail.

It's better not to try at all...right?

*sigh* No. I know it's not. When I started running last summer, I never dreamed that I would one day be able to run four miles straight; no stopping. But, I've done it!

Then...I stopped. Why?

Yes, I have a lot of valid reasons, like school starting up again and work increasing. However, at the end of the day, those are just excuses, aren't they? There is always time. Always. I thought I was busy 8 years ago, with my full time job and two kids. There was no way I could imagine fitting more into my life. Yet, fast forward to the present and I have five kids, a full time job and both Josh and I are in school. Crazy...how you can make time for those things that you really want to make time for.

I really want to make time for this goal...so why haven't I?

I'm surrounded by people in my life that are amazing runners. What if I can't compete? What if I'm not as good as them? What if I don't progress as fast as them? I am so afraid to try and fail.

What if I tried...and I made it?

~ Happy 3rd Birthday Carter ~

2011-11-05T19:55:00.000-06:00

We have a strange coincidence in our family, when it comes to birthdays. One of our children was born the day before every single one of Josh's brothers. Bailey was born the day before her Uncle Cameron's birthday, Luke was born the day before his Uncle Jared's birthday and Presley was born the day before her Uncle Cody's birthday.

It seems only fitting then, that Carter would have been due, the day after his father's birthday. Would he have been born then? Probably not...I was notorious for premature deliveries. However, it is amazing to me that so many of my children have a birthday so close to Josh's siblings.

Additionally, Avery was born on Josh's cousin's birthday and my Aunt Suzanne's birthday. Strangely, Ryleigh was born the day after my only brother's birthday. Weird, huh?

Carter...I still think about you often. Nearly every day. You are my tiny angel waiting for me in Heaven. One day, I will have you in my arms, instead of just in my heart. Happy Birthday, My Little One.

Happy Birthday Josh!!

2011-11-04T19:45:00.000-06:00

Josh, I love you so much. You are a wonderful husband and my best friend. We have been through so much together and I love knowing that no matter what, we can always lean on each other. It is crazy to think that we met as children, when you were only seventeen. As you celebrate your 31st birthday, I love looking back and seeing how much your life has changed. You have become the most amazing father to our five, perfect children. You work hard every single day, to provide us with a beautiful, comfortable home. You have gone back to school; teaching our children the importance of education and hard work. You never hesitate to help anyone who asks and you are such a great friend. You are my biggest supporter and are the most unselfish person I know. I am so lucky to be married to such a remarkable man. I hope that you have a fabulous day and know how very much we all love you. <3

Trick or Treatin' Ready!

2011-10-31T19:27:00.000-06:00

Bailey was a beautiful, pink flapper girl!

Ryleigh was a gorgeous, purple flapper girl!

Avery was a cute Batgirl!

Luke was a handsome Batman!

Presley was a tender, little ballerina!

I adore these little people more than I can explain.
I am the luckiest person in the world, to be loved by these five, amazing kids.

Halloween Party Time!

2011-10-30T18:36:00.001-06:00

Bailey really wanted to throw a Halloween party this year and I thought, why not? Twenty-five kids and fifteen adults later...I'm so glad that we did!

We had each child create an orange bag with a hand print spider on it, as soon as they arrived. Then, while enjoying some Halloween music, we all ate lunch. After that, Gail had a ghost craft ready to go for the kids and we finished the day up with vampire teeth and doughnuts.

It was chaotic at times. It was loud. But...it was a lot of fun! Thank you so much to every one that came and helped out. We'll have to make this an annual event!

All those crazy kids!! :)

Pumpkin Carving!

2011-10-29T18:34:00.000-06:00

It's always so much fun (and messy!) to carve this many pumpkins at once! The kids really wanted to save the seeds this year and roast them...oh boy, did they turn out good!! This year we decided to venture past the typical triangle-eyed faces and tried to be a little more creative. The munchkins had a lot of fun tracing out the designs and using the little "knives" to bring their creations to life.

I think they did a really good job with them! :) I love making these memories with them. <3

Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-28T18:14:00.000-06:00

My best friend Amey, along with her husband and kids, as well as my sister Maegen and my nieces all met at the pumpkin patch just before dark. It was so much fun watching the kids run through the fields to find the perfect pumpkin!

My only rule?

You have to be able to carry your pumpkin out of the field and to the car. ;)

I would much rather go to a pumpkin patch and let the kids pick their own, than buy them in the store. I love supporting local farmers and you just can't beat the experience of wandering through the fields, as the sun is setting, listening to the sounds of children laughing...

Disturbing...

2011-10-27T12:24:00.001-06:00

I work for a home inspection company. Basically, we inspect homes for all the different homeowners' insurance companies and provide them with a report that tells them how much they should insure a home for. We also notify them if there are any concerns; like mold, decks falling apart or a tiger in the guest bedroom...(no joke...that has happened!).

When someone has an inspection done, many photos are taken, so that the inspector can write up their report more accurately and so that when I proofread the reports I can verify information. I have seen a lot of homes and a lot of pictures, over the years. (Let me take this moment to remind you all that if you don't want me knowing every detail of your personal life, put away your...ahem, personal things... before we come take pictures, okay???) However, over the last week, I am seeing a trend that I find MOST disturbing...

CHRISTMAS TREES. SET UP, DECORATED AND LIT UP!

IN THE MIDDLE OF OCTOBER!!!!

People...what happened to Halloween? What happened to Thanksgiving??? Can't we give these holidays their day in the sun, before we start celebrating Christmas? Goodness gracious...

Time goes fast enough. Let's not hurry 2011 out the door just yet, okay?

Self Reliance #2

2011-10-26T14:50:00.000-06:00

In one sentence, who are you?

I am an average person who has exceptional dreams, a tremendous amount of love to give, is unwavering in my belief that there is hope for humanity, (which is confirmed every time I hear one of my children giggle) and who has a constant desire to learn from the experiences of others.

What is your sentence?

Bald and Beautiful - Four Years Later

2011-10-24T09:37:00.003-06:00

Four Years Ago

I know he'll always love me...no matter what I look like.

It's hard to believe that it's been four years since the "Bald and the Beautiful" head shaving. (If you'd like to read the newspaper article, click here.) I'm pretty sure that I have the world's slowest growing hair, because I've only really trimmed it since that day and this is as long as it has gotten:

I've never regretted shaving my head. It was such an empowering feeling, knowing that I was doing something for Mom, to support her. It was a very frustrating time period, in which we all wished that there was more that we could do. Knowing this was her second time that she'd be losing her hair, I didn't want her to go through it alone. Hair? It grows back...sometimes, really, really, reeeaaallly slowly. :)

We love and miss you, Mom.

Slide.com is unfortunately shutting down and removed my music from the slideshow I made, but click on the box below to view all the photos from that amazing day.

Random Texting Entertainment

2011-10-22T09:03:00.000-06:00

Last night I got a text from a number not programmed into my phone and I didn't recognize it. Given that I was working at 10:00 pm on a Friday night, (read: BORED. OUT. OF. MY. MIND.), I figured I would entertain myself for a little while. The following conversation ensued between myself and my random texter:

Them: "Hola"
Me: "Hey"
Them: "Wats up"
Me: "Not much, you?"
Them: "At bobbies house"
Me: "So...I have no idea who this is..." (figuring they would stop at this point)
Them: "Ha wow"
Me: "Sorry...? LOL"
Them: "Haha ur so short"
Me: "No. Actually I'm quite tall. :)"
Them: "Ha watever u say shortness"
Me: "So, drinking early tonight?" (I mean...REALLY? I was cracking up at this point.)
Them: "Ha nope I don't drink often"
Me: "Still no clue who this is...but you're entertaining."
Them: "Ha coolio :)"
Me: "Lmao"
Them: "So wat r u doing :)"
Me: "Homework"
Them: "Ha thats no bueno"
Me: "Why's that? Its got to be done."
Them: "Ha so its still no bueno"
Me: "Interesting subjects. So, random texter, do you have a name?"
Them: "Ha ya its breann"
Me: "Well, Breann, I still have no idea who you are."
Them: "Ha i jus told u who i was" (SERIOUSLY?!?!)
Me: "LOL but...I do not know a Breann. :)"
Them: "Ha well u do now"
Me: "Touché :)"
Them: "Wat..."

At this point, I decided to quit while I was ahead. I was laughing too hard to try and explain a French expression, through text, to a random, obviously young person. :)

Options...

2011-10-21T15:22:00.003-06:00

Right after I published my last post, a thick white envelope arrived in the mail with this little gem:

While I wasn't too worried about getting into Weber, (it's getting accepted to their nursing program I have anxiety about), it was still nice to know officially, that someone wants me.

However, now that I'm not totally closed to the idea of relocating, I feel more at peace. It's nice knowing that all my eggs aren't in one basket, so to speak. If I don't get accepted into Weber's program...so be it. It's not the end of the world and it just means that WSU isn't the right fit for me.

Home is where the heart is, right? No matter where my career takes me, with Josh and the kids by my side, I'll always be HOME.

Everything Is Bigger In Texas...

2011-10-21T11:53:00.000-06:00

What started out as a thought...became a conversation...became us actually seriously considering relocating...

I've found my nursing program...all over the state. I'm not limited, like I am here. I've found an area that I've fallen in love with, online...with great schools for the kids and charter schools available. I've found no less than fifty houses I'd be happy living in. Everything really IS bigger in Texas...houses that are 5-6 bedrooms and 1200 more sq feet, with more land than we have here...for the same price as what I'm paying in Utah, is common. I've got a job that goes where I do and many opportunities for Josh. I've got a friend already living close to Austin, beckoning me...with promises of amazing, friendly people and homemade fudge.

Could I do it? Can I really leave everything I've known for the last 18 years and move? Can I really leave my friends and family and start over?

We have A LOT of thinking and talking to do. We'll end up where we are meant to...that I know for sure.

Could it be 1,300 miles away?

Self-Reliance #1

2011-10-18T09:57:00.000-06:00

I came across this website, Self-Reliance, dedicated to celebrating Ralph Waldo Emerson's 208th birthday, earlier in the year. The website was designed to provide writers with thirty prompts, intended to be used for thirty consecutive days, to "encourage you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future."

Basically, these prompts provide you with a quote and then a few follow up questions to jump start your creative thinking. Anyone who follows my blog regularly, or knows me at all, knows that I adore quotes. There is something about reading someone else's thoughts and having that light bulb moment where you internally say, "Yes!!That resonates with me! I'm not the only one that feels that way!" While I don't have time to participate for thirty consecutive days, nor do I relate to every quote, I thought it would be fun to pick and choose those that interest me and expand on them.

----------------------------------------

“If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

At any given point in time, you’re only one thought away from changing your thinking. What thought can you change today?

Today I am going to change my thoughts about nursing school. I'm so wound up worrying about a future that I honestly, have very little control over, at this point. I have put in the time and I have put in the effort; there is not much more I can do, other than turn myself over to the admissions offices and pray that they see something in me.

I have to change my thinking from, "This is never going to happen." and "I'm never going to get accepted.", to thoughts of "I have done the best that I could do and the school that I'm supposed to attend, is going to accept me." and "I will go where I need to go and trust that it is where I'm meant to be." I can't control which university accepts me. I can't control which university determines whether or not I will be a great nurse one day. I know I will be a great nurse. I know that I'm meant to be a nurse and no matter how many obstacles I have to hurdle, I will achieve my goal. It may not happen in the time frame that I want, but it will happen, when it is supposed to. It's been a long road to get this far, but if I've realized one thing, it's that even detours can have beautiful scenery and unexpected learning opportunities.

Rememberance Day 2011

2011-10-15T08:12:00.003-06:00

October 15th is a day set aside for all parents to remember. It is a day to remember babies that grew wings before they could be held. It is a day to remember babies who were born sleeping. It is a day to remember babies who touched our lives, no matter how briefly, but forever.

With smiles, moments of sadness and sometimes tears, my Carter will always be remembered.

I'll light a candle today for him and all the other babies who were too beautiful for this Earth.

Dirty Dishes

2011-10-14T05:51:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I need to be reminded of all that I have and why I chose the life that I live. Sometimes, it takes Josh physically removing me from the house, for a few kid free hours. Sometimes, it takes a hot bubble bath, some yummy chocolate and a sappy book. Sometimes, it simply takes a good country song.

Mama hollers "Supper time,

And don't make me tell you twice

Wash your hands and wipe your face.

The table's no place for your toys,

And try to use your inside voice,

Don't dig in 'til we say Grace."

So we put down our forks and bowed our heads

And then she prayed the strangest prayer ever said:

"I wanna thank You Lord,

For noisy children and slamming doors,

And clothes scattered all over the floor,

My husband workin' all the time,

Draggin' in dead tired at night,

My never ending messy kitchen

And dirty dishes."

We all got real still and quiet,

And daddy asked "Honey, you alright?"

She said, "Dear, ain't nothing wrong,

Noisy kids are happy kids,

And slamming doors just means we live,

In a warm and loving home,

Your long hours and those dishes in the sink,

Means a job and enough to eat.

So I'm gonna thank You Lord,

For noisy children and slamming doors,

And clothes scattered all over the floor,

My husband workin' all the time,

Draggin' in dead tired at night,

My never ending messy kitchen

For my little busy bees

Beggin' mama, mama can you please?

Always wantin' me to call their name

Loads of laundry pilin' up

Crayons crushed into the rug

An' those little sticky kisses

And dirty dishes,

And dirty dishes...

So, Now What?

2011-10-13T06:47:00.001-06:00

I'm feeling a wee bit stressed. Just a wee bit.

(If you define "wee bit" as "the feeling of 10,000 lbs of pressure weighing on your shoulders, crushing your will to live...")

Getting into nursing school is beginning to be more of a challenge than I had originally planned on. I knew the criteria would be tough. I knew the chance of getting in on the first shot would be near impossible. I knew that I would be feeling the pressure as things came down to the wire.

I did not know that I would end up feeling like it would be easier for me to capture a unicorn, than to gain admittance into my first or second choice schools.

This week alone, I found out (for sure...it'd always been a rumor), that my first choice school only accepts 20 applicants from my University, every two years. Only 20. I can name five people, off the top of my head, applying from my location. Never mind the main campus or dozen other regional campuses. Additionally, I'm hearing some complaints about this school now, that students aren't feeling as prepared for state testing as they should. Then, as added icing on the cake, my second choice school froze their nursing program in Utah. However, I could relocate to one of their programs in California, Texas, Florida or Indiana.

I'm not alone. One of my good friends, Michele, is feeling my pain as well. Here in Utah there are seven schools that offer a nursing program, as she points out on her blog. If I relocated to Texas, I'm sure I could walk into my choice of nursing schools, because they have 75 schools available.

So, now what? Do I finish out my Bachelors degree and relocate my family? Do I change my major entirely? I know ultimately, that last choice will make me miserable. I'm meant to be a nurse. I'm meant to help people and be with people during some of the most life changing times of their lives. It's my passion in life. It's my calling, if you will. Nothing else would make me as happy. Perhaps one day I would love to become a midwife, but I can barely stomach the thought of the time and energy nursing school will take. I can't even begin to grasp the idea of midwifery school.

I know, I know...everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I believe that, too. I just wish that I could see the ending, so I don't waste my time, energy and money on unnecessary detours down this path.

Brighton Trip 2011

2011-10-12T13:45:00.000-06:00

Once again, a beautiful fall day + amazing family = FUN FUN FUN

Look at those leaves!

My handsome little man.

I love that they have cousins to play with.

Uncle Cody. He's single...any takers??? ;)

Brat's family

Cam's family

MY chaos

These two were so cute, holding hands!

What's with the crazy guy behind the tree??? ;)

My super girl

Peanut being a goober.

I love this tradition. I'm so thankful that we keep this up, year after year. The kids love it and I love having an afternoon away from the world. A picnic in nature, with those I love...can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Agree To Disagree

2011-10-12T10:26:00.000-06:00

I have friends who are vegans...that isn't going to stop me from enjoying meat and a glass of milk.

I have friends who ride horses...that doesn't make me a cowboy.

I have friends who are rich...that doesn't make me wealthy.

I have friends who are atheists...that doesn't mean that I'm going to denounce my faith.

I have friends who are gay...that doesn't make me gay.

I have friends who are swingers...that doesn't mean I'm a swinger.

I have friends that have done drugs...that doesn't mean that I'm a druggie.

I have friends that have chosen to never have children...that doesn't mean that I love mine any less.

I have a friend who has had an abortion...that doesn't mean that I agree with the choice, but simply that I respect the difficult decision that she had to make.

It is said that:

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

I have friends...and I'm not always going to understand or agree with choices they make in their lives. However, I will respect their right to make them. I will be their listening ear when they need it. I will be a shoulder to cry on, when necessary. I will be their support, when all else fails. I will even learn to make vegan dishes, so we can enjoy a meal together.

I want to surround myself with people that have different ideas and opinions. I like having different perspectives on life available to me, at all times. There is always someone who can shed new light on a situation that I'm going through, because I am surrounded by people who view things from different angles. I may not agree with their thoughts, but I can accept them, as their own.

All I need, is the same respect given to me. Don't understand why I chose to have a big family? Don't understand why I converted from Catholicism? Don't understand why I choose to love and respect those with different life choices? That's okay. You don't have to understand. We can agree to disagree. Respect my opinions and I'll respect yours. Be respectful of the way you voice your opinions and I'll be respectful of the way I voice mine.

I'm not daft. I know that this isn't always going to be easy or without argument. However, I feel that I owe it to others and owe it to my children, to do my best to live this way. I want my children to grow up, knowing that no matter whom they become; their Mother will love them and respect their right to live the way that makes them happy. I do not want to raise my children in an environment that fosters a feeling of hatred or with them being afraid to disappoint me.

I have friends who are driven...and it pushes me to reach my goals.

I have friends who are caring and respectful...and it makes me a better person.

I have friends who aren't perfect...and it assures me that my imperfect self can be loved, too.

Love Letter To The World

2011-10-10T09:26:00.003-06:00

I fell in love with this, when I read it. I relate to a few of these things, either personally or because of people in my life. They are all so very, very true.

I'm thankful to know that intense love is possible, in a world full of hatred, spitefulness, prejudice, bitterness and contempt. I'm thankful, because I am raising five of the most amazing little people in this world. I want them to know how much they are cherished and wanted. I want them to know how amazing they are and how utterly perfect each one of them is. I wish I could protect them, so that they would never be harmed by the cruel words of others...but, I can't. What I can do, is assure them that in the face of heartlessness, there still exists my ferocious love.

While we try to teach our children all about life,
our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Changes For Avery

2011-10-09T12:48:00.000-06:00

Her hair was braided before. It's not that wavy. :)

One part of Avery's sensory issues is her hair. Washing her hair, combing her hair, styling her hair is all very traumatic for her. Why? I have no idea...it just is. However, even though she would end up crying and screaming every morning, I could not convince her to cut her hair, until yesterday.

She decided on a cute, little A-line cut and looks absolutely adorable! The stylist didn't really style her hair, so I can't wait to round brush it out and see just how cute it really is. I was sad to see her long hair go, because she had the longest out of all the girls, but I'm excited to have less stressful mornings for her. Anything that helps make her more comfortable!

I've Made My Choice

2011-10-07T08:18:00.000-06:00

My week has been...meh. I could blame the chaos of my house, but that's my norm and isn't likely to go away. I could blame the three migraines I've had this week, but, sadly, that also seems to be my norm from time to time, so I've got to just deal with it. I could blame the stress of work, that is super busy right now, or school that has me waist deep in assignments and tests, or how Old Man Winter just suddenly showed up, kicking Autumn out, before she had a chance to say much of a "Hello", but what good would it do?

Honestly, it's been my attitude. I can't change much of my life. Not overnight, anyway. I've got to deal with what I have on my plate right now and realize that everything causing me stress is in my life because of a choice I made to have it be there and if it is there...it's because I want it there. (Well, except for the migraines, but it could always be worse, right?)

All I can do, is change my attitude, vent to the right friends who always seem to have the right words of advice and encouragement and plug on. This is life. I better start enjoying it. Rumor is...it doesn't last forever.

A Day In The Life Of Me

2011-10-06T09:58:00.002-06:00

While checking out old blogs that I started, yet never finished, I came across this one, started June 26, 2008. It cracked me up so much, that I decided to post it now. The kids would have been aged as follows:
Bailey - 6, Ryleigh - 5, Avery - 3, Luke - 2 and I was pregnant with Peanut - about 8 weeks along.

--------------------

I get asked quite often how I do it all, in a day. So, for fun, I though I would document my day, so you can see exactly what I do, from moment to moment. When the kids grow up, I can pull this out and show them what Mommy actually did all day. (I'll leave out potty breaks...we all do it...you just don't need to know when!) LOL

6:43 AM - Alarm is set to go off in 2 minutes...reset it for 7:00.

7:00 AM - Pull myself from bed and head downstairs to start my work.

7:15 AM - The girls I baby sit, show up for the day.

7:50 AM - Everyone is awake and screaming for breakfast. Cheerios and bananas.

8:00 AM- Pull up my work again and attempt to complete an entire report.

8:03 - 8:20 AM - Referee fights between 5 girls and one naked little boy. Why must they all want the same toy at the same time?

8:20 AM - Back to work. Yup...gonna get some done today.

8:30 - 9:30 AM - Actually complete some reports while also blowing up a floatie for the pool...6 times, getting four cups of lemonade and answering the question, "When are we going to swimming lessons?" two thousand times.

9:35 AM - "LUKEY POOPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"

9:40 AM - Armed with cleaning supplies and rags...I find two little poops. Phew! I can handle that! Clean it up and scrub carpet where offense was committed.

9:43 AM - Several more "When are we going to swimming lessons?" questions later, and I'm back at work. I will get these reports done.

10:17 - 11:00 AM - Put work away, wake up Josh (he worked last night, so he was sleeping for a few hours), dress and sunblock all little people and myself. Off to swimming lessons!

11:00 - 12:10 PM - Swimming lessons and head on home. I need a shower because I am super hot and greasy from the sunblock. Ugh!

12:30 - 1:30 PM - Swimming lessons make the appetite pick up! Six kids eat 4 boxes of macaroni and cheese, 1/2 gallon of gatorade, 3 oranges, 6 granola bars and 6 popsicles. No wonder I'm broke! A debate ensues over where the first KFC was opened. (For the record, a restaurant serving the chicken opened in Kentucky first, but under a different name. The actual first KFC franchise was in Salt Lake.)

1:30 PM - Luke pees on the floor. Apparently today is an "off" day for potty training.

1:32 PM - Sitting on the couch exhausted. How am I going to make it through the rest of the day?

1:35 PM - Find Avery. Find Avery with an orange highliter. Find Avery with an orange highliter drawing all over her body.

1:39 PM - Luke goes down for a nap. Oh, thank goodness. Maybe now I can sit still for 5 minutes.

--------------------

That's it. My day must have went to hell after that, because I never finished the post.

How fun to look back at those days...that I never want to live again... ;)

Epiphany

2011-10-05T09:32:00.000-06:00

So, every time I do a post about how much of a failure I feel like I am, it never fails that:

A.) I end up having a pretty fabulous day after that. (Sometimes I think I just need to vent my frustration.)

and

B.) I receive quite a few nice comments and/or messages and/or texts telling me I'm stronger than I think I am or I'm not alone and all mothers feel like this.

First of all, thank you, to those of you who take the time to comment. It really does make my day better and it really does make me feel like less of a deficiency in the human race.

Secondly, it made me have an epiphany today. Most of the stress I put on myself, is because I look around at everyone else and wonder why they have it all together and I don't. Other people's yards are always perfectly manicured with no evidence that children live there...meanwhile you'd be hard pressed to drive by my house and not find bikes, skateboards, a random Rubbermaid container (or seven), filled with sand, rocks and potato bug habitats, lounging around. Other people's kids are always perfectly groomed...while my kids always seemed to be mismatched with a random dress-up costume on and their once nicely combed hair, now falling out of their ponytails. Other people's houses always seem spotless and shiny and clean...while mine always has hand prints on the walls, a forgotten cereal bowl on the table, legos hiding, waiting to bite your bare feet and at least half the rooms have unmade beds. Other moms always have nice, ironed clothes on, their hair and make-up done, their 20 mile run out of the way for the day (because they don't need sleep and got up at 3 am)...while I show up in jeans and a shirt, my hair in a messy bun and I ~~maybe~~ brushed my teeth. Other people have husbands that work 9-5 jobs, so they have wonderful 5-star dinners every night, all seated around the dinner table with their well-behaved children, where they discuss their day with laughter...meanwhile, Josh works crazy hours, so half the time he isn't here for dinner and the kids eat, while I eat standing up, cleaning the kitchen, fetching them milk and correcting their math homework.

Well, guess what? According to all the people that tell me I'm not alone....my perception of other people's lives is a tad...off. As such, my reasons for stress and thinking that I don't measure up to some pedestal that I've placed the rest of the world on...don't exist.

I've got to learn to let them go.

I've got to learn to nod to the other tired moms, loading their screaming kids into their mini-vans at the grocery store and give them a mental high-five. I've got to learn to stop comparing myself to a family out there, that just doesn't exist and know that most households struggle, like mine. No one has this figured out and we all have bad days.

As for the moms out there that ARE perfect and have the perfect children and the perfect husband and the perfect yard and the perfect marriage and the perfect life...well...you're obviously bionic.

Or lying to yourself.

So stop being so uptight.

I'm Struggling

2011-10-04T08:26:00.015-06:00

“Don't say you don't have enough time.

You have exactly the same number of hours

per day that were given to

Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa,

Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”

Well...good for them.

But, as for me, I'm struggling.

I'm struggling to juggle a 10 year old who has two hours of math homework, science homework and reading each night. I'm struggling to juggle an 8 year old who is becoming a tween and is no longer helpful all the time, thus creating more work for me as I push her to complete tasks and diffuse fights between her and her siblings. I'm struggling to deal with a 6 year old who would be a challenge as an only child; who with her sensory issues can make even just getting ready for school, complete and utter hell. I'm struggling to juggle a 5 year old who loves to make inventions, leaving a wake of destruction in his path. I'm struggling to chase around a 2 year old who changes her clothes 17,392 times a day.

I'm struggling to keep up on the laundry, the general cleaning, the yard work, the daily meals, the dishes, the car maintenance, keeping things organized...and I feel like I'm constantly running in circles.

I'm struggling to keep up on work, because I feel like every time I try to begin, I'm pulled in another direction. Someone needs a band-aid. Someone needs to be brought to school. Someone breaks something. The doorbell rings. Someone needs to be picked up from school. The washing machine beckons. Someone breaks something. I need to referee a fight. Or I just plain fall asleep sitting straight up in my chair...

I'm struggling to keep up on school work. I'm burnt out. Three years in and knowing I have at a minimum two and a half more years to go...is sobering. I'm exhausted. I want to be done. I know the path to success isn't smooth and easy, but I can't imagine pushing myself even further. I don't feel like I'm learning anything in these classes this semester. I'm just doing the assignments and regurgitating information just to get a grade. "Here's my money....here's your grade..."

I'm struggling to find time to do I used to love. Working out has become a luxury that I rarely have time for...but I so desperately need. Reading a book that has nothing to do with school is something I haven't done in quite a while. Photography is a passion of mine, that I've barely had time for, lately. Even just a day of movies, popcorn and root beer floats is a only a dream...I don't have the time.

I don't know what I need to change, but something has to give. I'm running on five hours of broken sleep a night and I'm quickly turning into a tired, miserable person. I don't want that for the mother of my kids. I don't want that for me. I hate feeling like I'm failing at everything.

My Morning Giggle

2011-09-30T09:38:00.000-06:00

Me: *talking to Bay* "Get yourself dressed, woman! We are going to be late for school!"
Bay: "I'm not a woman yet!"
Me: "Oh yeah? What do you think makes you a woman?"
Bay: *mumbles, all embarrassed* "Boobs."
Me: *thinking*...I know some adults that wouldn't be classified as "women", if that were the case... *giggle*

Charter School

2011-09-28T16:35:00.000-06:00

Josh and I had discussed placing the children in the local charter school several times, before we actually applied. I had no idea that we would get called so quickly, however, once we actually filled out the intent to enroll!

Deciding to pull them out of public school, when we were already three weeks into school, was not an easy decision. I felt horrible, making them start over and make new friends...however, I felt that it was the best choice for them. I knew that it would benefit each of the children, in different ways. When we went on the tour and saw how the school was ran and got a feeling for the school, we knew that we were making the right decision.

Little did I know, how hard it would be to find their uniforms! However, after some searching...and searching...and searching...and a $130 speeding ticket later...I found a few. I'll have to work on getting more for them, but they have enough to start out with. I LOVE uniforms and it has made it so much easier to get them ready in the morning!

Driving them to and from school has taken away a chunk of my day. That part is hard on my already demanding and tight schedule, but I'm finding ways to make it work. The extra homework that I'm needing to help with on a daily basis has also been a bit of a challenge for me. However, sacrifices must be made, in order for the kids to have the education that we want them to, right?

Pictures from their "second" First Day Of School...

I don't know...they all wanted to pose on the skateboard...

Ry had a friend already going to the charter school and they planned their outfit to match, right down to the ponytails...

I promise...she dressed herself.

I have no idea what Bay is doing...

I was most worried about this one starting at a new school...but she's rocked it!

I love these little munchkins!

They are now beginning their second full week at the new school and have adapted quite well. Bailey tested into a 6th grade math class and is bringing home math that is stumping her father. Thank goodness I already took math in college, or I'd be at a loss... I'm so proud of her! Ry is at the top of her game in math and reading. No big shocker there, but I'm still proud, nonetheless. Luke is trying to get used to the stricter rules and can't be as rambunctious as he used to be allowed...but all in all he's doing well.

Avery...Avery has completely shocked me. Floored me. Flabbergasted me. If any one child has impressed me the most...it would be her. The best way to explain it, would be to show you the reading level she tested at, in public school:

"Mat is at the well. What is his wish? I wish. I wish. I am a bat rat. See that. See me, Sam.

Meet Mat the Bat. I will wish at the well. See me, Mat the Bat. I am Sim. I am a bat rat.

Who is that? He is a bat rat. That is his wish."

Now, this is what she is expected to read and IS reading, at the charter school. She needs a little bit of guidance from time to time, however for the most part she is reading it fluently, on her own:

"Mesopotamia means "between two rivers." It is between the Tigris and Euprhrates rivers. Mesopotamia was on the continent of Asia in the place where Iraq is today. Mesopotamia was called the "cradle of civilization" because it was where civilization began. the first written story came from Mesopotamia. It was called "The Epic of Gilgamesh". Some of the first written laws and traditions came from Mesopotamia. The first written laws were called the Code of Hammurabi. Traditions are ideas and customs that are passed on to kids and grandkids."

I love that Avery's reading is tied in with another area of study. That way, these words aren't just memorized, but the vocabulary behind them is really brought to life for her.

All in all, the four of them are really happy. They are being challeged quite a bit more, but are doing well in all of their subjects. The uniforms took a while to get used to, but now they don't seem to mind them. They have all made new friends and seem to have fit in really well.

We know that we made the right decision, for us. :)

SKYDIVING

2011-09-20T13:39:00.002-06:00

I. Did. It.

I'm so proud of myself. I've said for years that for my 30th birthday, I wanted to throw myself out of a plane and know what it felt like to fly. Well...now I know...

...AMAZING.

We arrived at the airfield at 10 am on Saturday morning and had to watch a 20 minute video. The last half was prep information, telling us what would happen while we were up in the plane. The first half was letting us know that...well...we could die. That didn't make any of us nervous at all. Uh. Uh.

After the video, we had to wait while a few of the earlier people completed their jumps. It was nice to see them all come back with smiles. And walking back with no broken bones. ;) While we waited to get suited up, Josh and the kids, Coby's family and Dustin joined us.

Avery and Bay practicing for their jumps. :)

Peanut...ever the comedy act!

Luke and Avery checking out the inside of the practice plane.

When it started getting close to our departure time, they called me, Coby and Bek back, to get suited up and to meet our instructors. I was paired with Colin, Bek was paired with Sam and Coby was paired with Avery. I'm still trying to figure out why they paired me with the guy that was a foot shorter than me...because I knew it would make landing a tad challenging...but you'll get to see that in the video. :)

You put your right foot in...and do the hokey pokey...

The instructors cracked up when I told them that the harnesses felt like the world's most uncomfortable diapers.
L to R: Sam, Bek, Me, Avery, Colin, Coby

Bek ready to go and my super wedgie. ;)

Me and my munchkins, while our plane was being fueled up.

The girls, ready to go!!
L to R: Coby, Me, Bek

Me and the Man
Guess we'll never know what he would have spent all that life insurance money on... ;)

Dustin and Bek

Most of Coby's cheering section.
L to R: Maison, Vern, Coby

One last hug from Mommy

Ry cried all morning. She was pretty sure I was going to die.

I forgot to hug Josh...till he called out to remind me. Whoops!

Then it was time to board the plane...and GOOOO! Once we were boarded, reality started setting in. Nerves kicked in a bit and I was trying to hold it together. While in the air, that is when the final preparations were done. Colin had me sit on his lap (yeah, I'm not kidding) and he strapped our hips together and then our shoulders. Then I scooted as far forward as I could, so that I was sitting directly in front of him. The straps were so tight, that I was loosing feeling in my legs a little bit, but I wasn't going to say a thing! I wanted to be securely fastened to the man with the chute!

Yep. Totally sitting on Colin's lap and trying not to feel awkward about it...

There was a lot of teasing mid-flight, as we all tried to ignore what we were about to do. I asked Colin how many jumps he had made and when he said just under 1,000, I felt pretty good. :) Then Avery (Coby's instructor) started teasing that they had just picked up Sam (Bek's instructor) at the temp service that morning. I start laughing and added, "Yeah, he probably worked in a vet office yesterday. He's just giving this a go today."

Then...the plane leveled out...they opened the clear door...the two solo divers that had come along for the ride with us dove out...

...and reality hit me.

I blinked for SECOND and Coby and Avery were gone. I never saw her exit the plane at all. Then, Bek's camera man was hanging on the outside of the plane and Bek and Sam scooted toward the door. Within seconds, they were flying through the air and I realized...I was the only one left.

*GULP!*

There was no time to think. Or be scared. Or back out. Within seconds later, we were at the door, with my toes over the edge of the plane and a couple seconds after that, Colin nudged me out. I closed my eyes as I felt myself pitch forward, but as the cold air smacked my body, I opened them and found myself staring at the ground, 13,000 feet away.

I assumed that I would scream. I assumed that I would yell expletives through the air. I assumed I would be afraid. I was none of that. I was amazed. I was caught up in the experience of flying through the air at speeds that I had never traveled at, before. I was feeling the cold air whipping past my skin and laughing inside at the permanent smile that the speed had plastered on my face. I was enjoying the beautiful surroundings. Then Colin pulled the rip cord, with no warning...WHAT A RUSH!! As we settled to a slower pace with the chute out, I told him how amazing it all was. He released our hip connectors, giving me some feeling back in my legs. Then he released the chest strap, so I could breathe a little easier. At the point, I begged him not to release any more straps...after all, he was the one with the chute... ;) He promised that he wouldn't, and he proceeded to show me how to steer the chute into several spirals, as we slowly descended. As we came in for the landing, he told me to bend my knees, until he told me not to, as he was going to try to land on his feet. I knew this was going to be comical...the whole height difference and everything. But, here...why don't you watch all my fun?

Crazy, isn't it? Here are some of my favorite shots that the camera man got, while we were flying...

"Yeah...so, uh...we're going down there, huh?"

BOMBS AWAY!!

Care to try for a flip?

BEST. PICTURE. EVER.
Upside down...under a plane.

Superheroes!!

See? No warning that he was pulling the ripcord!

Floating in, for the landing.

Colin and I...safely on the ground!

Well, now that's it's over, every one's burning question seems to be, "Would you do it again?"

To which, the only logical response is...

"HELL YEAH!!"

I Got Ink'd

2011-09-19T14:17:00.001-06:00

I know, I know...I have A LOT of updating of my blog to do, with all our recent changes and fun! :) But, I wanted to start with this, because it's still sore and at the forefront of my mind. ;)

Obviously it is still healing. The coloring is shades of purple, with a white center. The pink you think you're seeing...that's my skin irritated and yelling at me. ;)

I have wanted a tattoo for as long as I can remember. I've always known that as soon as I was done having children, I would have daisies (five open and one closed) put on my back, for them.

But...

...tattoos hurt, ya know?! :) So, for my first tattoo, I decided not to go with something so big and so involved and get something a bit smaller. A purple, forget-me-not flower, on the inside of my left wrist. Beautiful and small... but still painful! ;) ...and I can still cover it with a watch, when I finally get to work as a nurse.

I didn't get this tattoo to fit in. I didn't get this tattoo to stand out.

I got this tattoo, because it encompasses so many things for me. I was given a pot of forget-me-not flowers at Mom Garrard's funeral. Purple is Mom Doyle's favorite color. I never want to forget my amazing 30th birthday and the fears I overcame. When looking up flowers and their symbolism, I loved the meaning and stories behind this flower: "The flower symbolism associated with the forget-me-not is true love and memories. In 15th century Germany, it was supposed that the wearers of the flower would not be forgotten by their lovers. In a medieval legend, a knight and his lady were walking along the side of a river. He picked a posy of flowers, but because of the weight of his armour he fell into the river. As he was drowning he threw the posy to his loved one and shouted "Forget-me-not". It is also told in pious legend that the Christ child was sitting on Mary's lap one day and said that he wished that future generations could see them. He touched her eyes and then waved his hand over the ground and blue forget-me-nots appeared."

This tattoo represents 30 years of memories and people that I never want to forget. Each and every person and experience has helped me become the person I am, today. Thank you, to those who have played a role in my first 30 years. Every time I look down at my flower, I will think of you...and smile.

In My Next 30 Years

2011-09-15T12:53:00.002-06:00

In my next 30 years...I'm going to cross more things off my bucket list. :)

In my next 30 years...I'm going to be more aware of those around me and help out where I can.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to stand up for myself more.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to keep working on being healthy and progressing in my running.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to really realize that loving myself is not related to the number on the scale.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to learn to let go of the past.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to learn when to say no...and not let the guilt eat at me.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to live my life for what makes me happy.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to realize that "mistakes" is simply another way to spell "experience."

In my next 30 years...I'm going to order dessert more often.

In my next 30 years...I'm not going to take life so seriously. Or people so seriously. People come and go. Bad days come and go. Life goes on.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to trust myself. At the end of the day, I really know what is best for me.

In my next 30 years...I'm going to have fun and learn to laugh..at myself. Heaven knows I will never be short on material! ;)

School Time

2011-09-09T11:17:00.000-06:00

School has been in session for a few weeks now. All of the kids are loving it and adjusting quite well. I love that they are so excited about school and really want to do well. I can't wait to see how much they grow and change over the course of this year!

Bailey

Ryleigh

Avery

Luke

My three big girls. Where does the time go?

Kindergarten started a week after the older kids.
Peanut had to get in on the picture taking action, too! One more year, until that tiny one starts preschool! Then what will I do with my days???

Just FYI

2011-09-05T13:33:00.000-06:00

I may act tough a lot of the time...but it's because for most of my life I didn't have a choice being anything but. You may think that things that you say to me...or about me...or things you do to me, don't hurt, but they do. I may not always show you, because I don't want to be perceived as weak or someone that cares about what you think, but in reality, no one wants to be looked down upon by other people.

I am not perfect, but I do my best to make the right choices. Notice that I didn't say your choices. Just the right choices. For me.

Love me anyway, or walk away. There is no need to tear me down. I am hard enough on myself...without your help.

Six Years

2011-09-04T06:20:00.006-06:00

Jared Luke Garrard

May 18, 1982 - September 4, 2005

Another year has flown by and still, your absence is felt. There is a hole in Josh's life, where his little brother used to be, that can never be filled. There is a hole in our older daughters' lives, that used to filled with a teasing uncle, who always made them laugh. There is a hole in our younger children's lives, that they aren't fully aware of.

We know you are no longer in pain and are happy. It's comforting to know that you are with Mom and you both are watching out for us. Until we see you again, know that we love you and miss you always. <3

My Cousin

2011-09-02T09:07:00.000-06:00

WINCHENDON – Sean D. Caron, 25, of 274 Spring Street, Winchendon, died Wednesday, August 31st.

He was born in Concord, MA on June 4, 1986 and had lived in Winchendon for most of his life. He was an excellent craftsman and carpenter and enjoyed working with his dad. Sean enjoyed and loved riding Dirt Bikes, fishing and flying remote airplanes. He loved his pickup truck and most of all loved “Buddy”, the family dog. Sean attended Murdock High School.

He leaves his Mom, Vicki L. (Spence) Caron and Dad, David N. Caron of Winchendon; his paternal grandparents Arthur and Eva Caron of Winchendon; his aunt Shelley Hazer and uncle Kaleem Hazer Jr of NJ; his uncle Frank Spence of Maynard, MA, his aunt, Suzanne D’Amore of Gardner; his aunt Helen Doyle and husband John of Utah and many cousins in California, Utah, Colorado, Nebraska and Massachusetts. He was predeceased by his maternal grandparents, Richard and Elsie Spence of Maynard, MA, and his uncle Paul Caron of Colorado.

--------------------

Sean's death was a surprise to all of us.

It was a reminder that tomorrow is not a guarantee and at any moment, someone you love can be taken away. Don't wait until tomorrow to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. Don't wait until tomorrow to tell someone what they mean to you. Don't wait until tomorrow to appreciate the people in your life.

Don't wait.

Because tomorrow might never come.

Reflecting On The Last Decade

2011-09-01T09:29:00.000-06:00

In two weeks, I will be 30 years old.

30.

I remember when 30 sounded soooo old and I was terrified to celebrate that milestone. Now...?

Bring. It. On.

Life is only getting better! If only I had such a sense of myself at 20, as I do now. If only I knew what I wanted, recognized what made me happy, stood up for myself and had the confidence that I do now...a decade ago.

The last ten years brought about a lot of changes in me. I don't know that there is any other decade in your life, when you transform as much, as from 20 to 30. I became a parent, many times over. I learned what it means to fight for your marriage and make it work. I buried a brother and a parent. I learned who in my life will stand by me, when the going gets tough. And I learned who won't. I've slowly figured out what makes me happy and how to love myself...most of the time. That is still a work in progress that will probably continue long after I blow out 30 candles.

I'm not dreading my birthday. I embrace it. I'm ready to move past the spectacle of my 20's, holding fast to the lessons I have learned and dive head first into whatever the future holds for me.

No, I'm not scared to turn 30...but 40, on the other hand, is a whole different story... ;)

You're Perfect, To Me

2011-08-31T18:04:00.000-06:00

Enough paperwork to give me carpal tunnel, enough questions to make me crazy (really...how does my sex life play a role in all this..???) and two hours later...I survived, sans panic attack.

The Children's Center is a really beautiful place. I was impressed, from the moment I walked in and saw the wonderful artwork, sculptures and open areas. The staff, who was really pleasant and friendly, quickly put me at ease.

Thankfully, because I was a nervous wreck. (What? You didn't get that from my previous post, today?)

Well, at the end of it, I wasn't really surprised with any of her thoughts or comments. She is listing Avery as having a mood disorder not otherwise specified and sensory processing disorder. No big shocker, as we suspected both of these. Basically, Avery is unable to control her emotions and they can change rather quickly, without any known stimulus. The sensory aspect is the issue she has with loud noises and places that have a lot of background noise, such as the lunchtime cafeteria at school.

Our direction from here, leads me in two place. First, we are going to be meeting with a pediatric psychiatrist, that I can discuss Avery's sleeping patterns with. Avery cannot fall asleep without a small dose of melatonin, but even with that, she is only sleeping about seven hours a night. She is awakening at 3:30 am and never going back to sleep. That is not typical behavior for a six year old. If necessary, the psychiatrist may be able to prescribe something other than melatonin, that will assist her in finding a more normal, longer, sleep schedule.

Secondly, we will be meeting with an occupational therapist, that will help us learn what we can do to assist Avery in situations that overload her senses, causing her to become frustrated. I think this will be a huge help for her, as our only coping mechanism currently, is to provide earplugs for her.

The lack of sleep and her inability to filter out extra noise could be contributing greatly to the aggression that she exhibits. She doesn't know how else to deal with her emotions and as such, it displays as anger. It makes sense, if you think about it. I get overwhelmed when I don't get enough sleep and when my environment feels chaotic...and I'm 29 years old. A six year old is going to have a much harder time dealing with those situations, if she needs to learn a certain way to cope, that I haven't taught her.

So...forward we go. I have a feeling this is just the very beginning of a long road for us...but, it's a start. No matter what I have to do, I will do whatever it takes, to keep my beautiful girl smiling.

Pretty, pretty please...don't you ever, ever feel, like you're less than, less than perfect. You're perfect to me. <3

You Can't Die From A Panic Attack...Right?

2011-08-31T10:36:00.000-06:00

Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now.

But...because I know that writing things out helps me, I'm going to try.

Avery's appointment is in less than three hours and the anxiety I'm feeling is overwhelming. I'm sure my family thinks I've lost my mind...as I've become withdrawn and overly emotional. I've been on the verge of a panic attack all morning, so that is really not helping the situation.

Yes, I'm probably over-reacting. Yes, I know I'm probably not making things any easier. Yes, I know that this is what is best for her.

I just can't shake the fear of the unknown. I don't know what will happen today. For other doctor appointments, I know the routine. Weight, height, vitals...she has another ear infection? Big shocker.

But, today, I don't know what they will ask or what they will have her do. I don't know what they will think or what they will find. I don't know what the future holds for her. For our family. I feel like I'm going to be interviewed and examined to see where they can find fault.

And what if...it's mine?

I Might Be A Bad Mom

2011-08-30T15:03:00.000-06:00

School is back in session for the little people. (Pictures to come!) In fact, I just dropped Luke off for his first day of kindergarten, a couple of hours ago.

As I scan Facebook and check out the cute pictures of all my friend's little ones returning to school, or heading off for the first time, I can't help but see an overwhelming theme...

...all my friends are crying. All their friends who comment...are crying, too.

Uhhh...*checks eyes*...CRAAAAP...not a tear to be found.

Now, before everyone attacks me...I'm in no way making fun of another Mom or belittling her feelings. Not. At. All.

I'm simply realizing that I don't feel like this. And I'm apparently in the minority.

I'm EXCITED for my kids to go to school. No, not just selfishly because my house will be quieter so that I can work and do my own homework. It's because they will be exposed to so many new and wonderful things! They absorb so much and are so passionate about everything they learn. They love school and I want to foster that and encourage it!

Of course, everything they are exposed to isn't something I would choose for them to experience. However, I don't see this as a negative thing. I embrace the opportunity to explain things to them and educate them. I like that they will come to me with any questions, knowing that I will calmly discuss it, without brushing them off or acting shocked, making them feel uncomfortable. (Not so easy, when your 5 year old comes home with a very specific question about sex on the second day of school. Yup. Been there. Try swallowing your bite of spaghetti at the dinner table and calmly responding to that one...)

So, I might be a bad Mom...but I'm not crying today.

Now, the day one of my daughters brings home a boy for the first time? I'm not promising anything...

School Daze

2011-08-18T17:59:00.000-06:00

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow.

Learn as if you were to live forever."

— Mahatma Gandhi

Well, this momma is registered for Fall semester. I remember the excitement of accepting my Associates degree...but that all means nothing if I don't continue on and obtain a higher degree.

My original plan of pursing a BS in Family, Consumer and Human Development (FCHD) was changed today, to a BS in Family Life Studies. Very similar, however the FCHD program is focused more on early childhood, where Family Life encompasses the lifespan. This will make more sense for me, working in the nursing field.

This fall I will be taking "Marriage and Family Relationships" and "Balancing Work and Family." Both of these make me laugh, because I feel like I'm going to be taking a class from a recent college grad, who is going to tell me how to live the life I'm living...

However, many of the other classes for the degree look really interesting. I'm looking forward to "Families and Cultural Diversity", "Family Finance", "Current Issues in Family Life Studies", "Family and Social Policy" and "Human Sexuality." It'll be exciting to participate in each of these classes and I'm curious to see what I will learn from each of these courses.

I will also spend the next many months stressing over nursing school applications and praying that my past efforts have been adequate enough to get me into a program for Fall 2012. I'm telling myself that if I don't make it, its for a good reason and I will just continue on with my BS degree, while I wait to apply again. Realistically, I know that deep down it will break my heart and I will take it like the rejection that it is.

If I do get accepted on the first go-round, I will graduate with an Associates of Science, classes towards my BS and an RN....plus 6+ years of school under my belt. If I don't get admitted and end up waiting two more years for Weber's next program, I will graduate with an Associates of Science, BS in Family Life Studies, my RN and be a Certified Family Life Educator...with 8+ years of schooling.

At that point, what's stopping me? Might as well become a Physician's Assistant, huh? What's another 2.5 years in school? ;)

Just A Housewife

2011-08-17T20:35:00.000-06:00

I'm having a "just a housewife" day.

Stay at home moms, you know the kind of day I'm talking about. A day where I feel frumpy, useless and jealous of all the women out there who get to leave their house on a daily basis. Or who interact with people who don't repeat, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." incessantly and don't touch them with sticky hands. Or who can meet friends for lunch without worrying about finding a family friendly restaurant. Or who can hit the gym, without worrying if the daycare is open. Or who contribute to the world something more than a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Or hell...who get to pee alone.

I'm tired of feeling like nothing more than someone who is around to find lost shoes and cook dinner. Someone who has just as many cheerios in the bottom of her purse, as loose change. Someone who always smells faintly of Clorox Clean-up. Someone who must enjoy cleaning up after others...because why else would they be so kind as to leave their messes for me? Someone who talks, but nobody listens, because I must have nothing important to say...I'm just a housewife, after all.

*sigh*

Tomorrow will be a better day.

MY Life's Philosophy

2011-08-11T12:19:00.001-06:00

What is your philosophy on life? Have you ever pondered that?

What. Is. Your. Philosophy?

What are your beliefs? What are your values? What are your views on life? They seem like simple questions, until you actually sit and think about it. How do you articulate your convictions, in a way that truly encapsulates who you are?

At the end of the day, I want my children to know who I am. One day they will read my writings and get a sense of the person that I was. I want them to know what I stood for and the kind of person I strived to be. Do I live each of my values, to its fullest, every day? Well, no. I'm human and I falter. I succumb to emotion over logic and I allow others to influence my decisions. However, the core of who I am, of who I want to be, can be explained in the following:

Embrace the Differences in Others
It is important to me to accept and love people for who they are, regardless of how their lives or choices may differ from my own. I strive to maintain a "live and let live" type of attitude and not judge others for the life they choose to maintain. I want to raise my children to love everyone, blind to their religion, race, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance or net worth. In return, I expect the same respect concerning my own life.

Work Hard
I believe in working hard for everything that I have. I don't expect handouts and I don't take shortcuts to achieve my goals. I got my first paying job at the age of 10, putting together the Sunday newspapers for a local convenience store. My first "actual" job, with a real paycheck (and the gov taking a chunk of it) at 14, was as a waitress in a small restaurant. I haven't been without a job...or two...or three...since then. I'm not rich and I probably never will be. However, I'm putting myself through school, while raising five kids and working full-time, for three reasons. First, I am showing my children that it is never too late, or impossible, to achieve your dreams. Secondly, once I graduate and become a nurse, I will have a career in a field that I am truly passionate about. Lastly, and the most personal, to prove to myself that I can do anything that I put my mind to.

Learn From My Mistakes and Forgive Myself
You heard it here first...I make mistakes. I'm not always right. (I didn't admit to ever being wrong...I'm just saying that I'm not always right. *giggle*) I can't beat myself up over poor choices and bad decisions. I must simply learn the lessons provided from them and move on. More importantly, I must forgive myself for them. I'm not always going to be perfect. I'm not always going to be proud of myself. Additionally, my views may change at a later time, shedding light on a particular situation, causing my understanding to change. This is part of the maturing process that happens as we experience life.

Share my Knowledge/Talents
I can't do everything on my own. I require the expertise and assistance of others, every single day. It's my responsibility then, to share my knowledge and talents, whenever possible. I enjoy volunteering my time to help another person. I love when people come to me with parenting or medical questions. It makes me happy to know that people trust me enough to ask my opinion on matters that I am enthusiastic about.

Question the Things I Don't Understand
I don't want to be a person that does what is expected, simply because it is mainstream. I want to make my choices based on what will make me truly happy and what is best for my family. A big part of this, is simply asking myself, "Why am I making this choice?" I don't ever want my answer to be, "Because I'm supposed to." I want to know that I am questioning anything I don't understand and making informed decisions. This also plays into general knowledge. I love learning new things and when something catches my interest, I enjoy seeking out information that helps me better grasp and understand it.

Be A Voice For Those That Don’t Have One
I am a huge advocate for the underdog. I always have been. I hate to see another person tormented or ridiculed. I hate to see another person put down or made to feel useless. I hate to see a person hurt or caused unnecessary pain. Life is hard enough, without people inflicting undue misery on others. I have used my blog in the past to write about some of these situations and I hope that something that I’ve written has touched the intended audience. Be aware of those around you. Your family. Your friends. Children in your life. Stand up for those, that for whatever reason, can’t stand up for themselves.

Find the Positive in the Negative
This is one that is newer to me and I’m really trying to work on. A great friend of mine explained this to me as realizing that negative things will happen in life; however, finding the positive in the negative situation helps you grow as a person. I need to focus less on the negative circumstances and concentrate more on believing that a positive outcome will arise from the struggle. I need to be grateful and recognize that my problem could be worse. Surrounding myself with people who are positive, loving and uplifting, will help me through anything life throws at me.

Be Open To New Experiences
“Never judge a book, by its cover.” I aim to live that way in regards to people and I embrace that thought process when it comes to opening myself up to new adventures. Sushi? Horseback riding? “Scary” social situations? Running? All things that I feared or thought I couldn’t do or assumed I wouldn’t like…yet I tried and I conquered. Now I believe in putting my fear and quick judgments aside, to allow myself to experience life. I’ve been exposed to so many wonderful things and people, since making this decision. Next on my list? Skydiving!!

Above all else…and the hardest to live…

Be True To Myself
This will forever be a work in progress, as I learn and grow as an adult. I accept where I have been. I love where I am. I am confident in where I’m going. That’s a pretty good start.

It Came

2011-08-04T16:11:00.000-06:00

I have a huge manila envelope sitting on my counter.

I don't want to open it.

Just looking at it, is causing me to fight off a panic attack.

It's for Avery, from the Children's Center. I knew this packet would come sometime soon, since her appointment is less than four weeks away now.

I don't know what's in this packet, other than they told me I would have to fill a bunch of papers out.

Great.

So they want me to lay it all out? Document it all? Remind myself how incompetent I am, on a day to day basis? How under-qualified I feel daily, let alone to even begin tackling this...? Nit-pick everything about my daughter and wonder what is Avery and what is...whatever is going on with her? Or...am I wrong and they are one and the same?

Confused, yet? I am.

Stupid, stupid envelope.

I think I'll wait. Today is not the day to open that thing. Today is a day where we went to the park and played on the swings. Today is a day where we made brownies. Today is a day where we rode bikes in lazy circles. Today is a day that we laid on the grass and found cloud shapes. Today is a day that I have Mom's chicken pot pie cooking in the oven, for dinner.

Today is not a day for me to deal with that envelope.

Sometimes, It Sucks Being A Girl...

2011-07-29T13:45:00.002-06:00

Wow. Yesterday was a day. You know, one of those days.

One of those days that husbands dread coming home from work, because they are pretty sure that they are going to find their wife standing in the kitchen, simultaneously washing dishes, cooking dinner, sweeping the floor, screaming that no one helps her...and her head spinning around all Poltergeist-like...

...or curled up on the bathroom floor, fetal position, crying her eyes out, for no apparent reason...

...or standing in the front room, tossing his bow out the front door, along with his waders, hiking boots, backpack and clothes from last week's hiking trip...because they were still laying on the floor...

...not that I did any of that.

Okay, I didn't do most of that.

But I sure as hell wanted to.

Holy hormones, my friends. I have no idea what was up with yesterday, but I swear I could feel the weight of the world, crashing down on my head. All of a sudden I was panicking about everything, at once. Money. Time. Getting the kids registered for school. Relationships. Being a bad Mom. Not getting into nursing school. I was a basketcase. I knew I was going nucking futs, but I didn't know exactly why...and I didn't have a clue how to stop it.

Couple the hormones with the fact that I was craving...and ate...4 mangoes in a 24 hour period (not including the ones in my daily smoothie...) and you would have thought I was pregnant. Like...octo-mom pregnant...riding some crazy hormonal roller coaster. Thankfully, that's about as likely as me growing a third arm.

Although...a third arm would come in mighty handy...

Heh. Handy. Get it?

I digress...

Josh should get combat pay, for dealing with me yesterday. Granted, he brought some of it on himself (put your freaking crap away!! I didn't give birth to a 6'5" manchild and I refuse to clean up after one!!)...(Uh...I love you!)...but, for the most part, I was just being a fruit loop. Poor guy. *sigh*

Yup, sometimes, it sucks being a girl...but it probably sucks more, being married to one.

***Note: No, I didn't really toss his things out on the front lawn and his bow was not harmed in the making of this horrific day. I calmly walked it upstairs and placed it in it's proper place, in our closet. JUST LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE DONE. ;)

Behavior: Needs Improvement

2011-07-22T05:46:00.000-06:00

Dear Kids,

Yesterday, there was a lot of yelling. A. Lot. Of. Yelling. All day long. It was rather obnoxious. There was also a lot of tears. Now, I know they were from frustration, but they were a bit excessive. Add in the sarcastic comments and temper tantrums...it was complete chaos.

There needs to be a tad more patience, don't you agree?

I'm sorry. I'll try to be better. I was having a bad day.

Love, Mommy

;)

I Hate Summer Vacation

2011-07-21T16:11:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday, Miss Bailey Alivia

2011-07-20T07:31:00.000-06:00

Ten years ago today, a beautiful miracle was placed in my arms. We stared at each other, in wonder; her big eyes searching mine, in confusion. I immediately fell in love with her and vowed that from that moment on, my entire life would be lived for her.

As a nineteen year old mother, I was frightened and cautiously excited. How could I be responsible for this little baby girl, when I still felt like so much of a child, myself? Josh and I never planned to become parents, so young and she was quite the surprise. However, I resented anyone that ever indicated that my precious baby was a "mistake" (and yes, people actually did.) Bailey was and forever will be, a blessing that we never knew we wanted. She filled a hole in my heart, that I didn't know was there.

Over the years, this little girl has become a big sister four times. She has had two broken arms. She has said good-bye to her Uncle Jared and her Grandma. She has her tonsils and adenoids removed. She has survived two years of preschool, kindergarten, first, second, third and fourth grade. I don't know where the time has gone...

Bailey Bug, I love you so very much. You are such a thoughtful and helpful girl. I'm watching you change, almost daily, into a beautiful and amazing young woman. You are so incredibly smart and make me very proud of you. I love your artistic side and I'm so impressed with your capabilities. You are incredibly talented, not only at sketching, but at playing the piano. I love watching you get excited over learning something new. You are a wonderful big sister and I seeing you play with your siblings. Your grandma would be so proud of who you are becoming. Happy Birthday, Baily Boo. Your dad and I love you, so very, very much!

Feel The Burn

2011-07-18T08:07:00.003-06:00

Every summer I swear that I just want a nice base tan on my legs...and every year I burn the ever loving hell out of myself...

*sigh*

This year, somehow, Bay managed to touch my leg with her sunblocked hand and arm and left me quite the tan line. Once I got passed the first three days where I could hardly bare weight on my legs and threw up from the pain, I got quite the laughs...

See her hand and arm print? Her thumb is toward my inner calf, fingers point out and arm goes down my shin.

These pictures don't do the burn justice. My legs turned purple. PURPLE. I was hurting.

Thankfully, the kids' swimming lessons are over for the year, I really am rocking quite a nice tan now and I'm no longer in pain. After taking almost two weeks off from running, it felt really good to get back out on the road this morning. I easily ran 3.25 miles and could have gone further, but didn't want to push it too hard, after so much time off. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow! I do know that my headaches and migraines picked up, as soon as I stopped running. I guess I need the endorphines and time out of the house to destress, as effective pain prevention.

During my time off, I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". It was amazing! This man suffered from an auto-immune disease and was extremely obese. He decided to go on a strict juicing regimen for 60 days! Now, I'm not insane (nor could I ever do that!), but I was intrigued by being able to put so many fruits and vegetables into my body, in one sitting! Why not supplement my already basically healthy diet? So, with a blender and some creativity, I've drank these in the past few days:

Apple, banana, strawberry, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, spinach and kale.

Apple, banana, pear, spinach, kale, mustard greens and flaxseed oil.

Despite the repulsive color, the first one was actually the better tasting of the two. I never could have eaten as much as I drank, so I'll definitely be keeping this up. So far, my tummy is trying to figure out what in the world I am doing to it, but I know that if I stick with it, I will be feeling great!

I had the kids try some of it and they even love it! Most of them even still liked it after I told them what was in it... :) I encourage you to try it! Even if you don't add the veggies, the blended fruits are really good and amazingly good for you.

Crossing The Line

2011-07-12T11:50:00.000-06:00

I debate with myself sometimes with how personal I want to get on my blog. While this is my sounding board and my place to document my feelings…there are certain subjects I will never discuss. However, there are other subjects that fall in a gray area. This is when I can spend days, weeks, months or even years deciding whether or not I want to write out my thoughts.

This particular post is something I debated about writing, for a long time. It’s a very personal subject not only for me, but my husband. However, with his blessing, I’ve decided it’s time to write this.

When I joined the Church of Latter-Day Saints and became LDS, it was a very personal decision. I come from a Catholic family and I knew that converting would upset some of my family. Thankfully, they choose to basically ignore my decision and let me live my life the way I see fit. A year after converting, Josh and I were sealed as a Forever Family in the Salt Lake Temple. As part of this process, I took out endowments and made certain commitments and covenants, including the promise to wear garments. I’m not going to get into the details of all of this. This post isn’t meant to educate anyone on the processes of the LDS church, I’m simply making it clear that yes, I knew what I was getting into.

A couple years ago, Josh and I went through a very difficult time. This is one of those subjects that I will never discuss, nor post about. It was our personal hell, but continues to be something that we learn and grow from. During this time, I made the very difficult and personal decision to stop wearing my garments. The only explanation that I will give, which quite honestly isn’t really even necessary in my opinion, is this: during this time, things were brought up and discussed between Josh and I that made me feel as though we were not prepared to go through the Temple when we had and as such, I no longer felt worthy enough to be wearing garments. However, this decision does not make me a less worthy human being, as some seem to view it.

To someone who is not a member of the Church, they would probably question why I would dedicate a post to the type of underclothes I choose to wear. They probably question why in the world it is such a big deal to anyone else. Well…I don’t have a good answer. It is a personal decision to choose to start wearing them and it should be a personal decision if someone chooses to stop wearing them. But, in the Church culture…it’s not.

Recently, it seems that my decision has caused some jibber jabber (yes, even two years later) among the peanut gallery. Typically, when I am around family and Church friends I still tend to dress as though I have garments on, although I will admit that I’ve become more relaxed lately. However, I recently went on a date with my handsome husband and posted this photo of the two of us on facebook.

I bought a new outfit to go out that night and it was very obvious that I was not wearing garments. I thought I was careful about who got to see this photo; however it became apparent the next day, as calls and texts started coming in that people were questioning what I was wearing. It got to the point that I removed the photo from public viewing.

*sigh*

I am almost 30 years old. I thought the days of being questioned about my apparel ended 13 years ago, when I moved out of my parent’s house. In all honesty, even then I was never questioned about my clothing choices, because they have never been excessively immodest, flamboyant, inappropriate, ect. Even if I had chosen an outfit that was “inappropriate”…I’m. A. Grown. Woman.

I don’t feel that my choice in clothing should cause such an upheaval. There are far more pressing matters to worry about in the world. Nor do I feel that my choice to not wear garments should cause gossip, whispering, speculation or questions about my spirituality, morality or judgment. I didn’t make the decision lightly, but regardless, it was personal and didn’t change who I am as a person.

When I see that photo, I don’t see a woman not wearing garments. I see a woman who feels beautiful for perhaps one of the first times, in a long time. I see a woman who has never had a healthy body image, but through hard work, years of frustration, too many tears and an understanding husband, has begun to heal. I see a woman who is becoming comfortable in her own skin. I see a woman who is radiating happiness from inside her soul.

Those who view this photo and choose to focus on anything else need to reevaluate what is truly important in this life. We are counseled to “Love Thy Neighbor”, not “Love Thy Neighbor’s Garment Lines.”

1,000 Post!!...And Still Going Strong...

2011-07-12T08:28:00.000-06:00

Well, I didn't end up with a lot of questions, but I sure did end up thought provoking ones! Thanks to everyone that participated!

Amy, over at STAT asked: "My question is about running. How did you start? What was your plan?". Well, I started a lot of times, over many years. I've always wanted to be a runner...but I suck at it. Even now. :) It's a struggle for me and I've always ended up quitting after a couple weeks. I'm not a natural runner. I can't just jump off the couch and run 5 miles, like my husband can. I have to fight for every new distance that I add. Last year I ran in an all women's 6K race (by "ran", I mean that I walk/jogged the distance). When I looked up the race again this year, I looked at the 10K division and thought, "Hmm...I want to RUN that." I had just finished spring semester and was looking at a summer off school, so I had a little bit of "spare" time. I found a couch to 10K program here and found a willing friend to be my daily running buddy. Having that goal to work towards is important for me. I can't just run, to run. I need to have something I'm working for. So far, I'm 8 weeks into the program and running 5K distances now...something I've never been able to do in the past without having to take walk breaks. I really hope to one day complete a half marathon!

Another friend Amy (private blog) asked: "I want to know if you always planned on having 5 kids? Or did it just happen that way?". I came into this marriage wanting three kids. Josh wanted six. Well... :) With every baby, he somehow talked me into another baby. If it wasn't for miscarrying Carter and Peanut being born at 33 weeks, perhaps we would have had all six. However, the way life played out, it was evident that my body was done and a sixth baby on earth, was not meant to be. :)

Hillary at Mondragon Mayhem asked: "What has been your most rewarding mommy moment, and your most frustrating?". It's hard to pick out one defining moment, in them all. I would say that any time that I've seen my children succeed, has been rewarding. Whether that has been as big as learning to write their name, potty train or ride a bike for the first time, or as personal as seeing them overcome a particular individual struggle. Of course, a specific favorite, across the board with all the children, was the first time each of them said, "I love you", without being prompted. Likewise, my most frustrating moment is hard to single out. It usually comes down to the same scenario of me realizing that I won't always have all the answers and I can't always protect them from the pain of the world. It's frustrating as a Mommy to not know how to fix everything or stop all the hurt. I'm supposed the be the superhero that shields them from the weight of the world; it's humbling when I realize that I can't always do that.

Michele at Name Brand Mom In Generic Jeans asked: "Is your bond with your son different than with your girls? I know the love is all the same but how is your bond with your son different than with your daughters?". I pondered this one, a lot. I really thought I would say yes...but...no, it's not. Perhaps it's because they are all still so young? As he gets older and approaches teenagerhood (I'm coining that as a new word), then the bond will change a bit. However, right now, I can't really think of any way that it is different. I know when he was a newborn, I remember it feeling different...but now that he is sandwiched between girls and we all do pretty much the same activities and he's a part of the same conversations, I'd say the bond is too similar to dissect. Huh. I'm kinda shocked at my answer on this one.

Well, that's it. Thank you to all my readers...however often you happen to stop by MY little world. :)

Even On My Weakest Days...

2011-07-09T17:45:00.000-06:00

...I get a little bit stronger.

I've felt very tested lately, in many areas of my life. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. I've been dealing with a lot lately and I've had to choose either to crumble, or learn and grow from the experiences.

It's not that anything huge has happened. In actuality, it's a hundred little things, pulling me...pushing me...crushing me. There is a quote I love, that says: "Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take. You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack." That is the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

However, I'm realizing that at the same time, I'm being given amazing amounts of opportunity to learn and grow. I'm learning how to step back, take a deep breath, not let a situation overwhelm me, ask for help and even ask myself: "What can I learn from this?". I feel like I'm growing tremendously, as I go through this process. Maybe this is what people call "finding yourself"...? I don't know.

It's not easy. Change never is. It's not easy to change yourself or accept change in other people. It's not easy to allow people to see me weak and scared. It's not easy to be without answers. It's not easy seeing people turn away. It's not easy letting people go. It's not easy pushing myself past every boundary I've set for myself before.

But...I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay. Because even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

Pictures Overload 2.0!!

2011-07-08T06:58:00.000-06:00

I love looking through the photos on my camera and remembering funny memories or moments that I had forgotten. Like the day that my sister brought over her snake, Dexter, to meet the kids...

Hey Avery...love the necklace...

Luke in a choke hold

Bailey wasn't too sure about him, at all...

...meanwhile, I decided to taunt him. I'm a smart one, eh?

A friend of mine brought cookies over for the kids, so after I bribed them to help me clean up, they got their treat. As you can see, they were pretty darn happy about it! (L to R: Peanut, Luke, Ry, Bay and Avery)

I was working one day, when I heard running and shouts of "MUD!!" coming from outside. Luke, Presley and two neighbor children sure had a good time, before I caught them!

My kids never fail to make me laugh. Oh, they make me scream, too...but goodness, do they make me laugh. <3

1,000th post? Really???

2011-07-07T09:28:00.000-06:00

I'm coming up on my 1,000th post soon.

Wow. Who knew I had so much to say??? Or...that people would keep reading, that long...?

When I was approaching my 300th post, I did a fun thing, where I allowed my readers to ask me any questions they would like, and then I answered them, as my 300th post.

I'd like to do that again! So, here's your chance...what do you want to know? Have a favorite post, that you want to know more about? Always wondered what kind of toothpaste I use? ;) Ask me as many questions as you'd like and I will post my answers as my 1,000th post!

Let's see how creative my readers can be...I love a challenge! :)

Picture Overload!!

2011-07-07T08:57:00.000-06:00

My grandparents commented recently that my children are growing up so fast, that it is hard to keep track of who is who, in photos. (They live out of state and sadly, we haven't seen them in a few years.) Don't feel bad, Meme and Pepe, even people that see the kids in person, still mix up the older three girls from time to time. ;)

I finally cleared some pictures off my camera and have a few of my favorites to share!

Mr. Luke on his graduation day, from preschool.

Luke and Avery...so cute!

Bailey and Presley at Luke's graduation program. It shocks me, when I see pictures, how big Bailey is getting!

Luke striking his "Mr. CEO" pose. :)

Awww...he looks like a little public speaker in this photo!!

Maybe he'll run for president? He looks like he's waving on the campaign float...

Bailey and Ryleigh on one of their last days of school.

Ryleigh's birthday cake. She wanted a butterfly, because her nursery theme was in butterflies, when she was a baby.

My big girl! We still need to have her big birthday party, after her baptism, but we did a small family party, the night of her birthday.

Well, that catches up some of my photos. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more picture fun! :)

Dancing On The Edge

2011-07-01T08:34:00.000-06:00

Every day is beginning to be a struggle for me. I can't imagine waiting two more months to begin Avery's therapy.

Want brutal honesty?

I cringe every morning when she wakes up. I never know what mood she is going to be in that day and more often than not lately, it sucks. It really makes for long days and by the end of it, I'm beat. It's wearing on me and I'm having a harder and harder time holding myself together.

When she is in a good mood, it's great! She has the funniest sense of humor and is the sweetest kid. When she is melting down, there is no reasoning with her and I find myself at a loss. I just don't know what to do.

I can't wait for school to start. She needs that constant stimulation and schedule to follow. I just can't offer that at home and still take care of four other kids and work my full time job. If I wasn't strapped to a computer for hours at a time and could devote all my time to having the same schedule day after day, then maybe things would be different. But...they aren't.

Waiting two more months just to be evaluated and tested... and then who knows how much longer before we start getting some coping skills, seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I know that I waited this long to reach out for help and I should be able to deal a little bit longer, but I waited until my breaking point. I'm now dancing precariously on the edge of my sanity levels.

Updates on MY World

2011-06-30T14:52:00.000-06:00

Avery

I got a call from the Children's Center this week. She has been assigned a therapist and they scheduled her first appointment...for August 31st. *sigh* Yeah, two months from now. I really wanted her therapy long under way before school was in session, but what I want doesn't seem to matter much. They advised me that they will be sending a packet of information and paperwork for me to fill out and her first appointment will be approximately 2.5 hours long. Wow. I'm still terrified of this process. It's completely unknown and untraveled territory.

Other Munchkins

The kiddos are great. They are enjoying summer break and making me insane, in the process. We have been trying to keep them busy with trips to the park, BBQs and fishing, but they still manage to fight like animals. ;)

Running

Running has been a fabulous outlet for me, lately. I'm running 3 miles at a time, now and doing great. My first 5K (that I'll run in it's entirety) is coming up on Monday. I'm really excited for it! I can't believe that I am going to achieve this goal, after all these weeks of training! I'm really proud of myself. Josh has been running, also, training for a half marathon. He's loving it and doing great. It'd be wonderful for us to both be ready to do Portland's half marathon in May 2012. Maybe we could sneak away for a little vacation, by then!

School

I am really enjoying being out of school and can't imagine fitting it back into my schedule. But, at the same time, I'm excited to start working toward graduation, again. I cannot wait to be working in a field that I am passionate about!

Pictures

Be prepared for picture overload in the coming days. I finally cleared off the camera! Holy moly, I have some cute kids! ;)

I'm Jealous Of My Two Year Old

2011-06-22T21:05:00.000-06:00

I'm finally willing to admit what all Moms out there just don't have the guts to say.

"I'm jealous of my two year old."

Yep, ladies and gentlem...naw it's probably just ladies that read this...you heard it here first. I. Am. Jealous. Of. Her. Now, before you start calling the men with the little white jackets to come and take me away...hear me out.

If the girl bats her eyes at anyone, she gets whatever she wants. I have witnessed that girl covered from head to toe in chocolate milk powder, my kitchen violated to hell and back with food condiments and heard her father say, "Oh...oh...where's the camera? Look at her face!!!" Uh...huh. Last time I tried to bat my eyes at the authorities to get my behind out of trouble, I was written an $80 speeding ticket and told to "Try to have a better day...".

The girl can rock any outfit under the sun and it is cute. It doesn't matter if it matches, or not. It doesn't matter if it fits right, or not. I have taken her out in public in footy pajamas, a tutu and moon boots, with marker drawn on her face and still overheard, "Awww...look at that sweet angel." Huh. If I were to wear that same outfit, I'd be the headline act for the People of Walmart website.

At the completely opposite end of the spectrum, is the fact that the girl is comfortable in her nakedness. As soon as we walk in the door, she strips down and flies through the house, not caring who sees what. *sigh* Now, as her mother, I'm hoping she develops some modesty in the next couple years, however right now, she does make me laugh. I haven't been that comfortable in my skin since 1982. It's not fair that she makes cellulite look cute and there is an entire industry aimed at charging me $100 a bottle for lotion, guaranteed to rid me of mine. You know...if I had any.

If she has a bad day (you know, like when her kids make her absolutely insane all day, she locks her keys in the car, forgets her wallet when she goes grocery shopping and breaks her favorite pair of sunglasses...ahem...) she is allowed to vent her frustration by laying on the floor, kicking and screaming. She can scream until she is red in the face and tears are running out of her eyes. She can scream until her voice is hoarse and her lungs burn. She can look like a complete maniac and observers will just shrug their shoulders and accept the explanation, "She really needs a nap". If I did something like that, I would earn myself a 72 hour observation period on the mental health ward...

..with clean sheets, meals brought to me...that I didn't have to cook or clean up, plenty of quiet time to sleep, entertaining people to watch, a therapist to vent to and drugs...

*devious giggle*

...I recant my previous statement. Call those men with the little white jackets... ;)

Who You Are

2011-06-21T13:07:00.000-06:00

Some things...some things I can't even blog about. Because writing them down, makes them real. But I'm struggling with a personal issue and while I'm not ready to detail it out...just acknowledging it is sometimes therapy enough, for me.

I love this song. I love the lyrics. I love the message. I love the artist. I love the video.

"Who You Are"

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:

"Why am I doing this to myself?"

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf.

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, every body's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

(who you are [x11])

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?

I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah!

The more I try the less it's working, yeah

'Cause everything inside me screams

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

But tears don't mean you're losing, every body's bruising,

There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like WOAH!

Just go, and leave me alone!

Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,

With a smile, that's my home!

That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, every body's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

yeah yeah yeah

Explaining It To The Kids

2011-06-19T10:31:00.000-06:00

I sat down with Bailey and Ryleigh today and explained a few things to them, today. They were beginning to notice that Josh and I are treating Avery a little differently and I didn’t want them to start thinking that we favored her, in some way.

I began, by explaining to them that what I told them was to remain between us. I love my children…and their want to share everything with everyone. However, I don’t need them attempting to relay information to the neighborhood kids, the neighborhood kids hearing what they want, instead of what is said and then Avery being treated differently. Then I explained that we recently took Avery to the doctor and found out that her brain works a little differently than theirs does. She is unable to process emotions, like when she is angry or sad or frustrated, the same way that they do. I told them that she becomes over stimulated and cannot process all the extra noise, so it agitates her. I told them that we will be taking her to a therapist over the next few months to discuss how to help her, but in the meantime, they will see Daddy and I and anyone else who interacts with her, treat her a little differently. We may explain things differently and we may implement some alone time for her, to calm her down, if we see it becoming necessary.

Bailey offered to give Avery her bedroom (she currently shares with Luke, because those two have always been two peas in a pod), so that she had have a room all to herself. This would allow her to have an area where she can shut out the noise of the house and re-center.

Bay knows this isn't a permanent solution, but it would help for right now, while we start down the path of finding some other coping skills. She has since completely taken over and switched out the rooms, with Ry's help.

My children may fight. They may drive me insane. They may frustrate me to the point of tears...

...but they also come together, in the blink of an eye and show me how much they love each other. That means the world to me. <3

A Journey Of A Thousand Miles...

2011-06-14T13:48:00.002-06:00

...begins with a single step.

The appointment with Avery's doctor went well today. I quietly explained to the nurse that I wanted to speak with the doctor privately, at first. So she made sure Avery was settled with a movie and I was in a room close to her.

Her doctor started by asking about her lungs and how she has been doing coping with allergy season. He knows her history and this is always his first concern, with her. Then, he asked me what has been going on.

So...I started to cry...

...then, I apologized for the word vomit about to spew out of my mouth...

..and then I laid it all out. All of it. He wrote a lot down, but asked very few questions. Probably because I didn't give him much of a chance...I was talking a mile a minute.

In the end, he said that it is known that preemie births/traumatic births can cause issues later in life. Perhaps this is playing a role. In addition, the stress her body endured during the RSV ordeal could also be playing a part, because of her being on oxygen for so long. He said, honestly, there is no way to know for sure. However, it made me feel better that my suspicions were somewhat validated, before I even voiced that I suspected that these events could have had an impact on her.

He said that there is some obvious frontal lobe immaturity. She lacks the ability to discern right from wrong, as quickly as she should. He said that there is also some emotional development issues, something that you would typically see resolving around 18 months to 2 years of age. As a result, he has referred us to The Children's Center, which is staffed with psychologists and clinical social workers. They will be able to properly evaluate and diagnose her and provide a treatment plan.

I don't know what this will entail and to be honest, I'm completely overwhelmed. I know that I just need to calm down and take it one step at a time, but staring down what may be a long road, is scary. The center only provides care to children ages 0-7, so I'm also left wondering what happens in a year and a half, if we still need help? After establishing a relationship with a therapist, will we be forced to start all over, with a new one?

So many questions, but all I know is this: no matter what it takes, I will do it.

I Feel Loved

2011-06-13T07:55:00.000-06:00

Wow. The support I have been shown, since the post about Avery, warms my heart.

I got so many wonderful comments, emails, messages and texts...thank you. It means a lot to me. That truly was the hardest post that I have ever written.

Very few people in my life knew about the struggles we have had with her. We have always joked about "Avery's Antics" and many of the stories are just comical things that my sweet girl has done. Others...are stories that I rolled my eyes and tried to joke about, but I knew deep down were just another sign that something was wrong.

Avery was very bonded with Mom and I don't know if she has become worse since her passing because of the loss of her in her life, or because she would have anyway. Or maybe a little of both. Mom was one of the few people that could always calm her down and reach her, when no one else could.

As tomorrow's appointment approaches with her doctor, I find my nerves getting the better of me. I hope that I'm able to convey everything to him, in a way that makes sense and allows him to understand what we have been going through. I've decided that I don't want her in the room when I explain everything to him, because I'm sure that I will get upset and cry and I don't want to upset her. I also don't want her to feel like she's done anything wrong. All she knows is that we are going to the doctor to talk to him about why she gets upset sometimes.

Bottom line, I will do whatever is necessary to help her. I would much rather help teach my six year old how to cope, then wait until she is sixteen to pick up the pieces. I have to be strong for her, no matter how hard it is.

So, again, thank you, to those of you who reached out to me. I needed it, more than you know. <3

Come Run With Me, My Baby Boy

2011-06-11T01:16:00.011-06:00

While discussing my recent love of running with a friend of mine, she told me how much running personally saved her. She said that was her time to clear her head and pray. I share a special bond, one I would prefer not to have, but a bond nonetheless, with this friend. Her mother is fighting cancer and I've watched her ride the support rollercoaster...a ride I know all too well. When she told me that she would run and pray, my heart lurched, as I knew what she was praying for.

While running a few nights ago, our conversation played in my head. I thought about Mom and how much I missed her. She would have been proud of what I was accomplishing. Sometimes, when I need strength, I find myself "talking" to Mom, in my head, asking for her guidance. I ask her to watch over me or to help me make whatever decision I'm struggling with. There have been so many times that I have felt her close and I know that she is ever present in my life.

That night, however, my thoughts turned to Carter. My angel baby should be 2 1/2 now, just a little older than Peanut. I feel at peace with his loss now, however I do think of him, often. I found myself talking to Carter, as I ran, telling him that I loved him and missed him. I pictured him as a tiny, little boy, running along behind me and I swear I could almost hear him giggling.

As I approached the last half mile of the run, I was struggling. I was tired and sore and didn't know if I had it in me. I found myself asking Carter to come run with me and help me. "Come run with Mommy, Carter. Come hold my hand."

I don't care what you do or don't believe, but I felt a warmness and calm come over me, just then. Suddenly, my calves were no longer hurting and I was not struggling to breathe, like I had been. My heart rate slowed and I felt light. I knew he was there and I fought off tears, as I easily finished the last half mile.

My baby boy had come to run with his Mommy. <3

The Hardest Post I've Ever Written

2011-06-10T10:10:00.001-06:00

When a mother has a child, she wants that child to be perfect. She spends the entire pregnancy doing all that she can, to ensure that she is growing a healthy child and worrying...that something could go wrong.

It is no secret that I was terrible at being pregnant. I consistently dealt with pre-term labor through out my pregnancies, even including premature rupture of membranes at 29.5 weeks, with one of them. I've spent countless hours holding down my couch and hospital beds, trying to keep my baby in, just a few more days. I've dealt with horrible side effects from the the medications administered, in an effort to stop my labors.

Sometimes, the doctor's efforts worked and I was able to carry to 38 weeks, other times, they did not and I found myself delivering as early as 33 weeks. Thankfully, I can say that even my 33-weeker was incredibly healthy and I didn't deal with many of the issues that preemie mothers typically face.

Avery was our first preemie, born at just barely 35 weeks. We were warned that she would most likely have some eating/sucking issues and perhaps be unable to maintain her body temperature. It was reasonable to expect that she would spend some time in the NICU, while she adjust to life outside the womb, over a month before she was supposed to. At 7 lbs 3 oz, though, she was perfectly healthy and never required any special care. She was never admitted to the NICU and she was able to come home with me, never needing extended stay care.

Everything was perfect and wonderful with her, until she was about six weeks old. She woke up one day and I just knew that something was wrong. She had been acting a little sick, but even now, I don't know what alarmed me so much. After calling her pediatrician and finding out that I couldn't get her an appointment until the next day, I decided to take her to emergency, at Primary Children's Medical Center.

The entire 40 minute drive there, I talked myself out of going, several times. Here I was, a mother for the third time, but I was acting like the over anxious, crazy first time mother, that rushes her child to the doctor every time it sneezes. I couldn't even really explain to the nurse why I had brought her in, other than she had a cold and seemed "off".

All hell broke loose, about half an hour after we arrived and they were assessing her oxygen. As soon as they realized her oxygen saturation was in the 40's (it should always be at least above 90!), the nurse screamed at me to run and holding Avery tightly in my arms, we tore through the ER to a resuscitation room, at mach speed. The next half hour is a blur of them bagging her, (because at this point she ceased breathing), nurses and doctors running in and out, machines beeping loudly and me collapsing on the floor, sobbing.

I'll take this moment to point out mother's intuition. LISTEN TO IT. Had I not left and taken her to the hospital when I did, she would have stopped breathing at home. If I wouldn't have been in the room with her and noticed...we would have lost our daughter.

The next two weeks were...hell. There is no other way to describe it. She was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit and was given a private nurse, around the clock. She stopped breathing more times than I can count over the first day and a half. After bagging her for almost an hour (off and on), one of the times, they decided to intubate her. She had to be sedated during this time, because she would fight the ventilator. It was determined that she had RSV, obviously a severe case and her preemie body was having a very hard time fighting it off. In addition to that, she dealt with bronchiolitis and a noscomial blood infection, as well.

I have never been so scared, in my life. I would have given anything to trade places with my baby girl. Seeing her suffer and knowing she was in pain, was the worst thing I had ever experienced. Watching a baby in a neighboring cubicle struggle for life and then pass away, while we were there, did nothing to ease my fears. I spent hours and hours holding my baby girl's foot (because I couldn't hold her), whispering for her to fight. "Just keep fighting baby girl. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. You are so strong and so brave. I love you. I love you. I love you."

Two weeks after our hell began, we were able to leave home with a still sickly, still on oxygen and many medications, baby girl. They had taught me how to place a feeding tube and feed her (thankfully, we didn't have to do that for long), to avoid her aspirating any food during feedings. They gave me an apnea monitor that would alarm if she stopped breathing (or held her breath too long. Or hiccuped. Or blinked.) so that I had some peace of mind and could try to sleep. I was terrified she would stop breathing again and this helped ease my fears, a little.

Life continued on and Avery overcame much of that ordeal. Her lungs were very affected by the RSV and ended up in and out of the hospital over the next few years for bronchitis, pneumonia and asthma attacks that I was unable to control at home. In addition, she has had her adenoids removed and tubes placed in her ears, twice. She was the only toddler I knew, that would sit calmly and endure breathing treatments, every few hours, around the clock.

Now, what's my point with all this back story? Avery hasn't had it easy. She has been through more in her little life, than most adults. It has made her tough and it has made her strong willed. I cried for that baby girl to keep fighting...and she continues to fight, today.

I also wonder if any of the trauma she endured as an infant...plays a role in the issues we are dealing with, today.

Avery can be a happy kid. She can be so sweet and loving and helpful. When that girl giggles, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone within ear shot, who doesn't start smiling. She has the most beautiful eyes, that truly define the phrase "window to the soul". I see so much, when I stare into those eyes.

Unfortunately, what I always see, isn't good.

My little girl is angry. Very, very angry. She is sad. And I don't know why.

We used to assume it was just Avery being a toddler and her outrageous temper tantrums would go away as she grew older and matured. She just turned six and these episodes show no sign of stopping.

She's throwing a temper tantrum...punish her. Yup, that's what we thought,too. We have tried time-outs, taking away privileges, sending her to her room, not allow her to participate in activities we did with the other children and yes, she's even gotten spanked. We've even gone the other way and rewarded good behavior with treats, lavish words of praise and encouragement and special one on one time with Josh or I. With the other children, these types of reactions to a "temper tantrum", would typically cause the fit to cease, rather quickly.

Avery is different. We have found that if we respond with any type of negativity (spanking, yelling, ect.), she immediately goes in to a manic rage. These periods can last hours and during that time, she becomes completely unreasonable. Just looking into her eyes, you can see that she is not herself. Her eyes become very distant, she repeats herself and screams excessively, she becomes violent and destructive and she cannot comprehend anything that we say to her. We can repeat over and over, for hours, why she must follow whatever particular rule has upset her, but she will not process what we are saying.

These episodes do not always occur because she is in trouble. She does not deal well with having her routines changed. If we have done something a certain way and then suddenly change it, it can cause her to melt down. It can be something as simple as which chair she sits in at dinner or a change in our plans for the day. With the other children, I can explain the reason for the change and they are able to adapt quickly. With Avery, it becomes the end of the world.

Another thing we have noticed that sets off these episodes is loud noises or repetitive noises. We know for a long time, she had diminished hearing, due to her chronic ear infections. Once the tubes were placed (the first and second time), she suddenly had full hearing and the world became very loud to her. Background noises that she probably wasn't hearing before, now became a source of frustration and annoyance. Sometimes, simply giving her a pair of ear plugs can calm her down.

Many times, Avery will spout off mean things, like her brain lacks a filter to stop every thought she has, from being spoken. We all have mean thoughts from time to time, but she will voice them (I hate you. You're a jerk. I'm going to hurt you.) without it ever crossing her mind that she shouldn't say it out loud. Most times, immediately after she says it, she gets a shocked look on her face, like "where did that come from?" and she will quickly apologize.

This isn't normal.

We know this.

It's hard to admit that something may be "wrong" with your child. It's hard to admit that you need help. It's hard to have people look at you and assume that you are a bad parent. It's hard to know that people think that you just don't know how to control your child. It's hard to know that people are judging you and assuming that you just let your child get away everything, when in reality, you are lost. No one has seen the numerous avenues you have tried and taken, to correct your child's misbehavior. They just assume that...well...you don't know what you're doing.

In reality, we are slowly figuring out what responses, or in some cases, lack of a response, works best with her. We cannot respond the way the world wants us to, because that simply does not work. It may make me feel better to scream and yell, but it is doing absolutely nothing to remedy the situation.

It breaks my heart, to have this little girl climb on my lap and cry, asking why she's so mad all the time. I don't have an answer for her. I don't know why she's so angry. I don't know why she can't control her emotions, the way even my two year old is beginning to master.

I'm thankful to have a friend in my life that has a son with a few of the same symptoms, as Avery. I can talk to her and cry to her, knowing that she is probably the only person in my life, besides Josh, that understands my daily battles. She understands the internal battle, I've had for years, with reaching out for help. I don't want Avery forever labeled as "......". I don't want her to be known as a child with "......". I'm scared to think that I may need to medicate my child.

However, with her encouragement and seeing how well her son is doing with his treatment plan, I have made an appointment with Avery's pediatrician, for next week. No longer will I hide her struggle, or mine...and I will ask for help. There has to be a way to make my child happy and comfortable in her own skin. I'm willing to do whatever is necessary, to coax that happy little girl inside of her, to come out to play, more often.

When a mother has a child, she wants that child to be perfect.

Avery is perfect to me. I just need to help her realize it, too.

Attitude of Gratitude

2011-06-09T10:40:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling really grateful today.

I'm grateful for my husband and all the hard work he does every day, so that I can stay home with our kids. I give him grief quite often that he "gets" to go to work and get adult time, while I'm "stuck" at home with the children. Realistically, I know that he is dealing with a few adults that act like children...and I don't envy him. Then, when he comes home, he dives in and takes care of the kids and helps around the house, without a complaint. I know how lucky I am.

I'm grateful for my children. They make me absolutely insane...but teach me something new, every single day. I have learned more compassion, patience, unconditional love, kindness, how to relax and how to quell my gag reflex, from them, than any other people on the planet. There is never a day that goes by, that they don't make me laugh. There is never a day that goes by, that I don't stare at them, amazed that they are mine.

I'm grateful for the family and friends in my life that love me, regardless of my mistakes. For the ones that call me out of the blue...and forgive me when I don't do the same. For the ones that listen when I need them to and allow me to listen, when they need the same. For the ones that let me pick their brains, when I need help and trust me enough to ask my opinion, when it is needed. For the ones that make me laugh and have seen me cry. <3 <3 <3

I'm grateful for my body. It sure ain't as pretty as it used to be, but it created six perfect children and allowed me to give birth to five wonderful kids. It's allowing me to push it new goals now and I'm thankful that I've been able to achieve what I have. I can't wait to see what else I can do!

I'm grateful for the opportunity to go to school. It hasn't been easy, but I know that is going to be so incredibly worth it. Not only am I showing my kids what hard work and perseverance can do, but I will be able to better provide for them, in years to come. In addition, I am pursuing my passion! Nothing will make me happier, than the day that I can officially sign my name with R.N. after it. I will do it, obnoxiously, for an entire day. ;)

I'm grateful to have a job that allows me to work from home and is so flexible. Sadly, I will never become rich from it, but it satisfies our needs, for now.

I'm grateful for good songs, that make mundane chores, fly by! Dishes aren't so bad, when a booty shakin' song is playing in the background! ;)

I'm grateful for my blog. It allows me to document all the crazy memories I don't want to forget. It allows me to vent about the things that I shouldn't actually say out loud...but, that would eat at me otherwise. It allows me to share my triumphs and failures, so that others can relate. It allows me to give a voice to those that don't have one and to discuss topics that I feel strongly about. It allows me the chance to share the world: through the eyes of ME.

Overcoming Myself

2011-06-04T18:11:00.000-06:00

Well, let's recap, shall we?

I'm almost done with week three of my ten week training for the 10K and I'm feeling amazing. I'm achieving things that I never have before and it's making me completely rethink my capabilities. I have this photo as my background on my laptop, so that I have to see it every day. It is a constant reminder that a lot of the limitations I think I have, are only in my mind.

My training partner and I are running two miles straight now, with no walk breaks. We have taken to hitting the pavement, not the track, so we are dealing with a little bit of incline and varying terrain, as well. As someone who has only ever run two miles straight once in her life...on a treadmill, in an air conditioned gym...this is an amazing accomplishment! I have finished many 5K's in my life, but never without walk breaks. I'm excited that I will be able to complete this year's 4th of July 5K by running the entire thing.

More importantly than the miles, is the fact that every single day, I am overcoming myself. There have been days when I have been nauseated from nerves, all day, anticipating that I will fail that day's goal. However, *knock on wood*, I have yet to ever "fail" to reach the goal set for each day. Some days have been harder than others and there have been days that I have had to really dig deep to finish...but, I did.

That alone, has amazed me. I have never before been able to stifle the voice in my head trying desperately to convince me that I can't do this. Three weeks ago I struggled to run one lap around the track and didn't know how I'd ever run two miles. Now, I'm running two miles and I don't know if I can run six miles...but I know I will!

A, B, C...Now You Know Me!

2011-06-04T14:13:00.007-06:00

I stole this from my beautiful friend, Lacey Williams. I saw it on her blog and thought that it was such a cute idea, that I had to do it! Here we go:

A. Age: 29...heading to 30, very quickly. I'm not gonna lie...I'm half looking forward to it and half terrified! My plan is to go skydiving for my birthday! I've always wanted to go and how else could I better commemorate such a milestone?

B. Bed Size: King, but sometimes that doesn't even seem big enough!

C. Chore you hate: Laundry. I will separate it and wash it, but when it comes to folding it and putting it away? Ugh. There is nothing I hate more.

D. Day: Hmmm? What are you asking? My favorite day? I have so many. They all involve the people that I love, in one way or another.

E. Essential Start to your Day: Brushing my teeth. I don't feel awake, until I do.

F. Favorite Color: Depends on what the color is for. But I love blue, black and browns.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver

H. Height: 6'0", BABY! I have to say, I've just recently learned to embrace my height. I've always hated it, but now? I'm loving it.

I. Instrument: I don't play any, but I would love to learn to play the piano, the guitar and the drums.

J. Job Title: Quality Inspector for home owner's insurance reports. I get paid for that title. Student. I pay for that title. Mom and Wife. I love that title.

K. Kids: 5 with me and 1 in Heaven

L. Live: ...every day to it's fullest

M. Mom's name: Helen

N. Nicknames: LeeLee, Leeannimal

O. Overnight hospital stays: Oh boy. My tonsils and adenoids, five births, weeks and weeks of antepartum stays, my hysterectomy, my children's many hospital stays, Josh's appendectomy...uh...I think that covers it...?

P. Pet Peeves: Fake people. Arrogant people. Mean people. <---Ditto Lacey. Plus, when people leave lights on in rooms they aren't in, or cupboards open in the kitchen.

Q. Quote from a Movie: "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"
R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: 2 sisters, 1 brother, 2 sister in laws and 4 brother in laws

T. Time I wake up: If I have to work, then 5:45 am. If I don't, then around 8:30 am.

U. Underwear: ...uh...under my pants...?
V. Veggie you dislike: brussel sprouts

W. What makes you run late: Josh. Yeah, it's not the kids. It's usually him. Don't let him tell you any different.
X. X-rays you've had: Umm...lots of MRI's and CAT scans. Dunno about an Xray.

Y. Yummy food you make: All my food is yummy, thank you very much.

Z. Zoo: Love the zoo! We buy a family pass every year, so that we can go as often as we want!

Now the real fun part....YOU do it too so I can get to know the ABC's of YOU!!!!

Happy 8th Birthday, Ryleigh Roo!!!

2011-06-03T12:44:00.000-06:00

My Ryleigh Roo - You are one of the sweetest kids I know. You are mature beyond your years and have always had a tender, nurturing side of you, that makes my heart melt. One day, you are going to be the most amazing mother. You are incredibly smart and I know that you will be able to easily accomplish anything that you choose to do in life. Happy Birthday, my beautiful girl. I love you, so very much. You make me smile every single day and I'm so proud to be your Mom. <3

Hi, My Name Is Leeann...

2011-05-25T20:36:00.000-06:00

...and I'm quickly becoming an endorphin junkie.

I'm into week two of my ten week training for the 10K and I'm starting to fall in love with it! It is still really, really hard and I have to push myself to accomplish my goals...but, I'm doing it. I still feel really inadequate, but I'm trying to focus on what I am doing, instead of what I think I should be doing.

I have a feeling the entire ten weeks is going to be like this. Me being 100% positive that I simply cannot push myself any further...and me proving myself wrong. I think I need this, though. I've always given up and let the voices in my head convince me that I can't do it.

Not this time. I'm done quitting. I want to succeed. I want to be proud of myself for accomplishing something that I never thought I could. So, I'm going to keep testing myself...and I'm going to keep passing. I. Will. Not. Give. Up.

Today, I Will Be Tested

2011-05-24T10:59:00.000-06:00

Horrible migraine last night.

I haven't had a migraine, or even a really bad headache, in a few weeks. I'm really thankful for that, but it still sucks when they come on. The past few days I'd had very mild headaches, so I knew something was up. I get a "static" feeling behind my eyes when a migraine is going to come on and I was getting that, but nothing manifested from that...until last night. Within an hour, I went from no headache to a bad headache to full-blown migraine, complete with nausea and loss of vision in my right eye. When they come on that quick, I know they are going to be a doozy.

I took two of my fioricets and it helped to lessen the pain, but strangely it didn't remove it completely or give me the euphoric feeling that I typically have. Dang it! ;) I ended up slipping into my drug induced coma sleep and waking up with a thumping headache this morning.

My plan today, has been to kill it with caffeine, water and neck massages. So far, I've been able to get it down to a moderate headache, but with work staring me in the face, I know that it may get worse.

My dilemma? Today isn't my day off from training. In fact, today is the day that I double the distance I've been running. I was already terrified of today and worried about pushing my body to today's distance and now I have to do it with my head pounding.

However, I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in to my body, anymore. I refuse to let these headaches control and dictate what I can and cannot do.

Today, I will be tested. I will not fail.

Luke's Birthday Party

2011-05-23T04:31:00.000-06:00

This year, we combined Luke's 5th birthday with Gail's daughter, Rori's 1st birthday, at the local park. The kids had a blast playing on all the toys, the pavilion made it easy and nice to serve everyone dinner and the baseball diamond got a lot of use.

I love hearing the sound of kids giggling and there was no shortage of that, Saturday evening. There was a ton of yummy food and Gail made Rori the cutest butterfly cupcakes. I'm so thankful to everyone that made time to come out and celebrate our wonderful kid's birthdays.

The birthday Mommies. Cutest Mommies I've ever seen... ;)

Rori was VERY upset to have her Barbie taken away!

My big, Little Man, and his dirt cake.

Such a ham!

When he thinks back to his childhood, these are the memories I want him to remember. <3

All the monsters at the party. I love these kiddos!

Five years old? I'm not sure where the time has gone, but I've loved watching Luke grow into such an adorable little boy. If he becomes half the man that his father is, I'll be proud of the job that I've done, as his mother. :)

10K, Here I Come!

2011-05-22T16:21:00.002-06:00

One week of my ten week training done and I'm...trying to be hopeful. :) I really, really want to do a 10K in October and with so many weeks to train for it, I have no excuses.

I've done what feels like a billion 5K's, but I've never done a 10K. See...want to know a little secret?

I'm a horrible runner.

I'm not any good at it. I actually kind of hate it...because I'm not naturally good at it. I have to kill myself, for every milestone. But what good is it, to excel at something that you are naturally good at? I want to push myself to overcome and make myself great at something that I had to work for. That's something to be proud of.

Yesterday, I had a crazy, busy day with Luke's birthday party. I had a lot of preparation to do, a lot on my plate, a lot going on in my head...the last thing I wanted to do by 8:30 pm, was go run. My mind felt heavy, my body felt heavy, my feet felt heavy...but, I knew that this was the day that would make or break me.

Going to run on days that I am motivated to go, is easy. Going to run on a day when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, with a bowl of popcorn, is not easy. However, if I go, it proves to myself that I can overcome all the voices in my head that tell me that I can't do it.

So...I ran...

...and shaved 10 seconds off my mile from the previous night. I had already shaved 7 seconds off the night before, so that was a 17 second improvement in two days.

*pats self on back*

I entered the track with a heavy mind, heavy body and heavy feet...but, when I left, my heart was light.

Two Years Without Mom

2011-05-19T01:45:00.003-06:00

I love my children, more than life itself. I hate to see them cry and I hate to know that they are hurting. It's hard, two years later, when they still have times that they cry for their Grandma.

It will be at random times, that catch me completely off guard. Every time I think that healing has begun, a moment like this happens and it's like having the wound reopened; fresh and raw. "Time heals all wounds", is a HUGE. LIE.

As the children get older, instead of healing, personally, I am feeling her void, more and more. Instead of calling to tell her that a baby took their first steps, I want to call and tell her Luke learned to ride a 2-wheeler in 30 seconds. Instead of calling to tell her that a baby likes their first bite of baby food, I want to call and tell her about a boy that likes my daughter. Instead of calling to tell her how a toddler learned their colors, I want to call and tell her that Avery is reading everything now. She was here for so many of their "baby" things, but she is missing out on so much of their amazing childhood.

*sigh*

Enough tears.

Mom...I love you. I miss your smile and your laugh. Oh, how I miss your laugh. I miss your silly stories, that you usually forgot the ending to, by the time you got there. I miss your hugs, every time we would part. I miss how very important my children were to you and how you always let them know it. Please, please watch over them. I need you to keep them safe. Please watch over Josh and I. We are raising these amazing children and working hard to reach our goals. We want you to be proud of who we are. I can't wait to see your beautiful face again and feel your arms around me.

Happy Birthday, Jared

2011-05-18T01:25:00.002-06:00

Today, Josh's little brother should be turning 29.

He should be married, to a beautiful girl, with a few wonderful children running around his legs, calling him Daddy. He should be fishing and golfing with his brothers. He should be complaining about working too hard and not having enough money. He should be teasing his sister and pulling his nieces and nephews on to his lap, to tickle them.

Instead, he left us, too soon. Too young...and too soon.

We love you and miss you, Jared. It's unbelievable to us, that you have been gone almost six years. The family has been through so many changes, since you left. Some people have been taken away and some people have been added...but the hole of your absence has never been filled.

Give Mom a hug for us and hold my Carter tight. We know we'll see you again, someday. <3

the world: through the eyes of ME

I Cried Out For Help

Happy Birthday, Mom

Me Thinks...We're Nuts

I Was Here

So When Your Heart Stops Beating…?

I Was Reminded

Where Have I Gone?

I Knew She'd Change The World

When Did She Grow Up?

It's My Only Choice

Panic At The Finish Line

November Pictures

I'm Taking The Time To Say...

No-Shave November Fun

How To Kill A Snowman...

Creative Endeavors

Thirty Days Of Thanks

Music To My Ears

Short and To the Point

Thanksgiving 2011

Happy 3rd Birthday, Peanut

Success

Three Little Words = Big Achievement

Study Through Osmosis

Self Reliance #4

I Am Humbled

Self Reliance #3

~ Happy 3rd Birthday Carter ~

Happy Birthday Josh!!

Trick or Treatin' Ready!

Halloween Party Time!

Pumpkin Carving!

Pumpkin Patch

Disturbing...

Self Reliance #2

Bald and Beautiful - Four Years Later

Random Texting Entertainment

Options...

Everything Is Bigger In Texas...

Self-Reliance #1

Rememberance Day 2011

Dirty Dishes

So, Now What?

Brighton Trip 2011

Agree To Disagree

Love Letter To The World

Changes For Avery

I've Made My Choice

A Day In The Life Of Me

Epiphany

I'm Struggling

My Morning Giggle

Charter School

**SKYDIVING**

I Got Ink'd

In My Next 30 Years

School Time

Just FYI

Six Years

My Cousin

Reflecting On The Last Decade

You're Perfect, To Me

You Can't Die From A Panic Attack...Right?

I Might Be A Bad Mom

School Daze

Just A Housewife

MY Life's Philosophy

It Came

Sometimes, It Sucks Being A Girl...

Behavior: Needs Improvement

I Hate Summer Vacation

Happy Birthday, Miss Bailey Alivia

Feel The Burn

Crossing The Line

1,000 Post!!...And Still Going Strong...

Even On My Weakest Days...

Pictures Overload 2.0!!

1,000th post? Really???

Picture Overload!!

SKYDIVING