Rest In Peace, Tori

It's funny to me, how someone that you've never met, can touch your life in a way you never imagined.
A few years ago, Josh played in a golf benefit fundraiser, that was raising funds for a local family. This family was raising the money so that they could take their daughter, Tori, to China for stem cell treatment.
On Father's Day 2005, this beautiful 16 year old was in an automobile accident with her little sister and two cousins. Their vehicle rolled 1.5 times and landed upside down in a canal. Tori got everyone else out of the vehicle, but was unable to free herself. She suffered an Anoxic Brain Injury and remained in a semi-vegetative state since then.
I have followed her blog (pray4tori.com) ever since that golf tournament. While the updates were sometimes far apart, you could feel the love her family had for her, every time they updated.
Sadly, in October she became ill and this past Saturday, she passed away. My heart cries for her family, as I can only imagine the pain they must feel.
Things like this scare me. I have five perfectly healthy children. However, I don't know what the future will bring. I can do my best to keep them safe, but I can't predict or stop what may come.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow.
But today, I will hold my babies a little tighter.
Thankful...that I can.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

GOOD

-My mom is going to watch the kids during the times that I'm in school and Josh is at work. Hallelujah! One HUGE weight taken off my shoulders.
-I went shopping for the week and only spent $90.18 for a weeks worth of groceries. Now, every meal is planned out and I spent way less than I normally do.
-We are not selling out house now. We found some things out about the house that we wanted to buy and it has issues that we don't want to deal with. No stress of moving!
-The flu that hit us all last week, is finally gone.
-Two credit cards are paid off. One to go and then the madness caused by the crazy gas prices a year ago will be cleaned up.
-The big van is listed for sale and I found out that the KBB on it is only $3 off of what we owe! A sign, perhaps!?
-Presley has five teeth now! That explains the whiny baby I've had the last couple days!
-The kids parent/teacher conferences went well. My kids are well behaved and smart...no shocker there. ;)

BAD

-My house is a mess.
-My laundry is behind.
-My school work needs some serious catching up, after missing school last week due to the flu.
-I'm exhausted.
-Two minutes ago Luke just cut his own hair. *sigh* His bald head is gonna be darn cold...

UGLY

-I have a zit. I never have zits. This one is making me unhappy. :(

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

The morning of Josh's birthday, he left for work and I drifted off back to sleep...and had the strangest, most comforting, most wonderful dream. At first I thought it meant one thing and then after discussing it with my friends and delving into it further...I realize even more, how wonderful of a dream it was.

I dreamt that I was out of town for a work "thing". (Which is strange, because I don't travel for my work...but, I digress...) I was staying in a hotel and was all snuggled in my bed half asleep. Suddenly, my door opened and some people that I work with and go to school with came in my room. They were all standing around talking, not paying attention to me, all snuggled in bed.
Then, Mom came and sat down on the bed next to me. She looked so great. She was wearing a lavender shirt and had hair past her shoulders that was wavy and beautiful. She was smiling and looked so happy.
I talked to her for a few minutes (I don't know what about) and that's when I realized that Mom is dead and shouldn't be sitting on my bed! I looked around at everyone and no one else was paying me much attention, or thought it was weird that I was talking to a dead person.
I looked at Mom again and burst into tears. We were hugging each other and I was just sobbing and sobbing. I told her how over and over how much I missed her and she told me that I could, "always come see her on the 11 1/2 floor on Main Street". I knew immediately that she meant the Salt Lake City Temple. I have no idea what the 11 1/2 floor means, but the Temple is on Main Street. I haven't been to the Temple since Mom passed away and perhaps it is time to go again.
Then, Mom kept saying something about "my baby". Originally, I thought she was telling me I'm pregnant (I'M NOT!) and I didn't understand what she was talking about. I kept telling her that I don't have a baby. She kept responding that I did and she was laughing. (Somehow, I knew she wasn't talking about Presley.)
After talking to some friends about it, I now realize that she must have been telling me about Carter! It was the day before Carter's due date and he had been on my mind a lot. Perhaps this was her way of telling me that she has him and is taking care of him for me. I already knew that this was the case, but to have it confirmed to me like this...wow.
I woke up in shock and crying. She was so real. I touched her. I felt her hug me. I hope this isn't the last time that I get to "talk" to her...but it sure has given me some comfort for now.
I love you, Mom. Thank you for taking care of our baby boy.

Happy Birthday, My Angel

Dear Little One,

Happy first birthday! Your due date was one year ago, today. There should be cake and ice cream, but instead, there are just tears and a big "what could have been".

In my heart, I know that you were my little boy. My little Carter, that I never got to hold. We never officially gave you a name, but I know that's who you are. I knew from the moment the test finally came up positive, that one more little brother was on the way.

Conceiving Presley so soon after losing you and then her being born so early, gives me an idea of the milestones you would be achieving right now. What I don't know is your personality. Would you laugh at my silly faces? Would you cry and reach up your arms when I walked away from you? What would your voice sound like? I don't know what you look like. Are your eyes be blue or brown? Do you have freckles? All of these unanswered questions are the things I think about, when it's quiet and no one is around.

Lately, I've been a big believer of "everything happens for a reason". Watching a good friend grieve the recent loss of her baby has made me think again, of what your "reason" was. Perhaps you were sent to me, so that I could help other women through this journey. I know that I had a few women that helped me and perhaps now it is my time, to pay it forward. I can tell her that I understand everything she is going through...because I truly do.

She called it being a member of the "Sad Club". I know she isn't ready yet, but one day she will realize that being the Mommy of an angel isn't sad...it is the most special thing on earth. I am so brave of a woman, that I can love a child that I have never met. I am so strong of a woman, that I can survive heartbreak and still smile. One day, she will be, too.

I love you, my little Carter. You will forever be a missing part of our family, but you are never missing in my heart. Happy Birthday. I pray that you are singing and laughing in Heaven with all of the other little angels, too perfect for this world.

Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Josh!

Happy 29th Birthday to my wonderful husband!

You are an amazing father and a loving husband. We have been through a lot together and I can't think of another person I would have rather spent the last 11 years with.

Who would have known then, that our young love would have turned into what it is today. We have grown up a lot together and I can't wait to see what the next 29 years has in store for us.

This past decade sure has been a ride! ;)

Happy Birthday, "Bun Boy!"

Surprise, Surprise

Since Josh's birthday is tomorrow, I decided to surprise him with tickets to the Jazz vs Rockets game last night.
It was so wonderful! It is very rare that we can go out together, without the kids, so we enjoyed that more than anything.
I'm always surprised by how into the game some people get! They yell and scream, like the players can actually hear them. It was cracking me up! I spent most of the game just people watching. Human beings are fascinating creatures... :)
All in all, it was a lot of fun and we enjoyed our evening out. Even if the Jazz did lose. I knew they would and I won a back massage for my prediction. ;)

(pic taken with my phone - sorry for the crappy quality)

Presley Presley Pumpkin Eater

Pres was kept away from the cutting part of the night, but I thought I'd see how she reacted to being plunked down in the "guts". It was hilarious! She immediately tried to eat it of course!
She'd put in a seed.
Spit out a seed.
Put in a seed.
Spit out a seed.
It was so darn cute!

It was all fun and games...until we piled the "guts" on her legs. It took her a minute to get used to it!

This was Presley's last "first" holiday. Next event? Daddy's birthday. And then? My baby turns one. Let the tears begin...

So...We're A Little Slow

We didn't carve pumpkins until tonight. I know, I know...we are a wee bit late. But, it's the thought that counts, right? :)
The kids didn't mind and they had a great time with Daddy.

Stay tuned tomorrow to see Presley's experience...

Happy Halloween 2009!

Halloween is such a fun time around our house. The kids look forward to dressing up for trick-or-treating the entire month and it makes me smile to see them so happy.
This year I had my kitties and my mouse. I love that they still let me dress them all in a "theme". I find it so much cuter than them all being something random. I think they are all adorable, don't you agree?

This was Presley's last "first" holiday. I cannot believe that my teeny peanut is almost one year old. She sure made an adorable little kitten! Presley and Gavin (Josh's cousin) Jumping on the trampoline while they waited to go. This is an insane amount of candy. INSANE! This doesn't even take into account what didn't make it home because they were eating as we drove! (We only go to people we know, I don't need the "razorblades in the candy" speech.) This picture doesn't do it justice. This pile is four feet across and a foot deep. INSANE!

Decisions Have Been Made

I'm crazy. Perhaps even certifiably.
When we moved here, we swore that we wouldn't move again until I was done with school.
Buuuut....we listed our house up for sale this morning.
We just feel that it is a good move for our family and ultimately gets us where we want to be. We know that we have a long road ahead of us, what with the market being so shaky right now. However, if it does sell (and sell quickly, please!) then it will just confirm to us that we have made the right decision.
What was it that I said?
Everything happens for a reason...

It's A Fantabulous Day

1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my PEPE!

(Who swears he's only 78...I won't tell his secret!)

2. One of my good friends found out that she

does NOT have MS!

I'm so happy for her and her family!

3. Josh got a JOB!

Picture Saturation

We took some fall pics at a local historical site. The kids played along pretty well and we got some cute shots. I can't believe how big they are all getting!

We started all this. Silly us. :)

Whatever Will Be...Will Be

Josh and I are in the middle of making some decisions. We are trying not to let emotion rule our decision making and let whatever happens...happen. (I realize that this almost sounds like we are thinking of having another baby...I promise, that's not it!)

I told Josh that no matter what I've gone through in my life, I've always been able to look back on it and say, "Ohh...that's why "that" happened.". I may not have understood, at the time, why my life was taking a particular path, but it always became clear at some point later.

That's how I feel about our current situation. I don't know what is going to happen, but regardless of the outcome, I know that it will be the right outcome. I know that I will look back on it later and know "why" things have worked out a certain way.

Until then, I don't have to know the "why"...I just have to be content with the fact that everything happens for a reason.

My Hair - Two Years Later

Time flies...whether you are having fun or not.
I can't believe it has been two years (as of yesterday) since we all banned together and shaved our heads to support Mom.
I have never regretted the decision I made that day. I didn't mind the stares. I didn't mind the looks. I didn't mind the pointing. I am proud of the choice that I made and I loved explaining my story to those that dared to ask.
That decision was proof...proof that you can see love.

Day One

Two Years Later
Want to read the whole story? Click here.

I HATE Liars!

What is so damn difficult about honesty? Huh?
ATK (Josh's former place of employment) has done nothing but screw us, since he was laid off. It just adds insult to injury when they already ripped his job from him (after months of assuring him that he wouldn't be affected).
First of all, when he was processed out the day he was laid off, they told him that we would have medical insurance until November 30th. Now? We get a letter from our medical insurance letting us know that our insurance is cancelled as of October 31st. WHAT?! He has called them numerous times about this and they keep giving the same scripted response, "We know there was an issue with what you were told and we are working on it." Well that's just wonderful, you idiot stick, but the end of the month is fast approaching and we need it resolved.
Then, we try to use our flexible spending for a doctor co-pay and we get denied. Again, when he was processed out, they assured him that we could use any of the money that had already been contributed (over $1,150!) until the end of the year. Now? They are telling him that the day he got laid off was his last day to use it and now we have forfeited all the money. They blame the IRS and that there is absolutely nothing they can do.
I want to cry.
Crooked, crooked, CROOKED people.
To top that off...we got a letter earlier this week from unemployment telling us that his severance would not affect unemployment and we would begin receiving benefits. Now? Today, they send another letter saying, just kidding! Because of the severance we aren't eligible to receive anything until after November 28th.
It's one blow after another and I am so sick and tired of us getting screwed every time we turn around. You know damn well that the executives at ATK are sitting back in their chairs, living off their FIVE MILLION DOLLAR BONUSES (no, I'm not exaggerating...I've seen the paperwork) and not even batting an eye at the turmoil, panic and outrage they have caused.
How do these people even sleep at night???